.:.nursing and intimacy.:.

Intimacy begins with Mother. If Mother cannot be fully intimate, Child will grow up with similar blockage towards intimacy.

If Mother can nurse intimately, without shame or worry, then the gateway to intimacy is free and clear.

Shame towards nude breasts and feeding in public... Worry that the boy will have a 'mother-complex'...


Are humans the only species who question their own mothering abilities? Are we the only species who repeats what others have said to us (Don't spoil him! Don't get him used to you picking him up when he fake-coughs!) or do dolphins get social anxiety, too?

I have found it difficult to be myself around others in terms of caring for my baby. When around someone whom i consider more experienced or knowledgeable about babies, I find myself taking on the 'student' role, body language becoming more 'please help me' and my self-confidence declining regarding communication between myself and my baby... When I'm with him, fully present with him, our communication is impeccable, better than it is with any other human being. There is no misunderstanding, and the most subtle hand movements communicate everything necessary. But when others are around, 'maybe it was a nightmare!' and their countless projections 'maybe he's bored.'

I guess at this point it has nothing to do with nursing and intimacy... Intimacy, maybe... Intimacy in public. Something i must Master... I"ve had this issue with lovers, too, unable to acknowledge intimacy when witnessed by others. hehe Its my moms fault!

But in all seriousness....

Next time I notice this block of intimacy in public, i will make the conscious adjustment to make contact with and become present with my baby. If I have been separate from him, i will reconnect, either by taking some private time with him or separating myself from the crowd. Then i'll reintegrate into the circle with him, still fully present. (Worry: New Mothers are obsessed with their babies and only look at their babies.)

Gosh... stupid humans. Overthinking, overanalyzing.

At what point in evolution did breastfeeding become such psychological warfare? Oh... Actually i know the answer to that, but thats a whole other tangent on maslow's hierarchy of needs. I am climbing the pyramid towards self-actualization.

This tangent is now
over

Word Magic

Be mindful of what you label your child as. As you begin to paint that picture, it attracts more of the same.

Sweet child, you are so wise. You are so patient! Thank you. You are so understanding and compromise so well. Thanks for working with me and making this journey so enjoyable. Rough moments, sure, tired moments, sure. moments i dont understand you and you're frustrated, yes. But those dark moments are countered by such intense light, the smile when you wake up, the little eyes blinking in the dark... I don't need to see your mouth to know you're smiling. The tonal conversations, wordless but so profound! You are full of such wisdom and beauty and I see it. I see you and your soul twinkling thru from behind your eyes. You are magical, so so so magical and i am excited to see what you'll show me, excited to learn your talents and gifts, and excited to help you through your challenges. I know we're perfect for each other, and i am SO up for this challenge, little buddha, of protecting your divine creativity.

I will do my very, very best. Please keep me in line if you notice i'm off. We are mirrors for each other. Let's live as fully as we can, for all those who can't, who died prematurely or who got caught up in a glitch in the matrix. Let's laugh and play and explore for all the laughter and playfulness suppressed in others, or taken away, I will approach my own dark emotions with the compassion twith which i will approach yours, processing them fully, completely, and quickly so that we can return to the light! It isnt necessary to linger too long in the ditch when we know how to get up and get out, how to get through the muck. It doesn't have to be there, but sometimes it still is.

Oh, little buddha...

Thank you for being such a wonderful mirror for my Self, Family, genetic heritage, DNA, social and cultural heritage... Mattheus... echo of the cosmos...

To our first solstice!

What a Good Baby!

they say.
In the plane, at the pool, on the go, 'what a good baby.'

Good, as opposed to 'bad'? Of course you wouldn't say 'what a bad baby.' or think that. You would think 'difficult.' So, the better term would be 'what an easy baby.' Right?

Well, after someone said that to me at the pool today, i told my baby. You're a Good Baby! And I'm a Good Mother.

It felt really fuckin good to say i'm a good mother. i have often felt like i dont get props for it, so i gave myself props. And it felt good.

I highly recommend doing it, especially when people tell you how good your baby is. Because your baby is only good because you're a good listener!!

Reactions to pregnancy, Values of Society

I experienced conception and pregnancy as a divine calling that i could not turn down. Yes, i'll be a mother!! Of course! Its probably the only thing i've wanted that has been consistent since childhood, besides fame from which i could be of good and wide-spreading influence.

My friend from 1st grade said "kill it! its just a bunch of cells leeching off of your body. kill it!"
My dad told me it would be difficult to find a husband, and it was a bad financial decision.
My friends from (and still in) college got together and talked about me, and were worried and scared.

What traditionally and evolutionarily has been the great joy of Living and Loving has become burdensome. Career first, and then have a kid when you're 30. Be financially stable first, have everything lined up with the husband that your family loves and the house in a quiet residential neighborhood right outside the city.

I didn't freak out and get a job (like i almost did) upon the embryonic download. I sat and meditated and evaluated my life's purpose and dreams for the future.

This is what I arrived at:
I wanted to master something valuable, helpful, and useful to my community. I wanted to live with the rhythms and cycles of a landscape. I wanted to be surrounded by good people, nutritious food, and be able to see the stars at night. I wanted my child to have a tight community and lots of friends and freedom. I don't want to worry.

That was at the very core of what I wanted, ontop of continued personal and spiritual evolution and more moments of bliss and joy. So i'm taking it from there. Career? Money? No... That's not precisely what I'm after... Esteem, Joy, Worthiness, Helpfulness, and feeling like I fit in my environment. That's what I'm after.

diaper free

Diaper free is definitely the way to be. The problem is... that he pees and poops. But i spent most of today ... or rather, he spent most of today not wearing a diaper, and it wasn't too messy.

I think i could do this, slowly but surely.

Before he was born i was all about diaper freeness. But, once he was born i said, well, once i get used to having a baby, i'll start the diaper free thing...

Now i'm reading about it and it says it would have been easier had i started right away. Woops.

Regardless, i can't go back into the past and tell myself to stay cooped up inside post-birth. I was out and about immediately, He was in diapers all the time.

Now he's got rashes and his penis is looking mushy and, due to the heat in mexico we enjoyed nakedness today and i realized my previous intention... diaper free.. ok.

Not at night, though. not yet. And not when we go out. Not yet. But we'll start wtih when we're at home. Little by little. eliminating the diapers altogether.

When i'm old, i dont want him sticking me in a diaper and letting me soak. So i wont do that to him either. Where's the dignity in that!?

Good mothers, in-touch momma's

I am aware of two women whom i respect as 'good' mothers, who are in tune with tehir offspring.

One mother 'Earth' and one whose name means Dawn in arabic. I met them both in San Francisco while pregnant and educating myself on birthing naturally.

They see the divinity in their children. Earth said today "If i lived in another culture, i know they'd take her to become a priestess"
and Dawn named her son "life knowing Om" but in hebrew, arabic, and... the sanskrit Om.

When a baby fusses and they hear it, they see what the baby wants. They don't go "egh, what now?"

They appreciate the presence of their children in their lives, take the challenges in stride and as opportunities for learning and growth, and respect their children for being teachers, for coming into our lives, for being here...

I need women like that around me occasionally, to remind me to stay strong, aurically, spiritually, physically, emotionally... To not give in to the inauspicious, unbeneficial, unharmonious ways of childrearing that permeate mainstream culture.

Yeah, all three of us sorta look like androgenous bohemians and eat jicama chips and hummus wiht a lot of garlic in it. I think we're doign okay :) I think this is okay. I think its okay to spoil my infant, and be his servant for now. Hell no when he's 5 will i be serving him, but i will remain open and honest with him, assuming that he understands what i am saying to him and has the capacity to comprehend the world... without keeping things from him.

I think he'll understand when i tell him what a 'social taboo' is. I think he'll understand if i have to explain to him that some herbs can be smoked and not have the same unhealthy effects of cigarettes. I think he'll understand when i explain to him that, 'so-and-so loves you, but dont listen to waht they say all the time.' because there are somet hings i just dont want him picking up or integrating into his world schema (to be deconstructed later on his healing path!)

He already understands so much. and he's only 5 months old.

Following, Imitating baby

I like to think he's teaching me... from the very beginning, through the fear of the first trimester into nutritional self education, to emotional balancing, to the mediative intensity of birthing.... But then as a little infant, the backbends and burping, teaching me to clear. the facial expressions making my face more flexible and expressive, and now the hand movements. they're inspiring me to learn sign language. And, of course, sign language is officially different in india, america, england, japan, and everywhere else, but we all ave signs we make with our hands naturally, and learning sign language has made me more in touch with that natural movement that comes about with my hands.

I could ignore the little twitches of the fingers he does while he's nursing, or the little grabbing motions he makes on my arm when he's looking ta the world... but i'm not going to. Every movement has meaning and intention.

Three generations Under One Roof

I've been reunited with my parents for one week now. There are many lovely aspects to this, such as unconditional love and support and good healthy home cooking, as well as a willing and capable babysitter, i find myself struggling to maintain my strength of intuition regarding what is called 'attachment parenting'. The universe is conspiring to challenge me!

First it started with a stroller. I've been carrying him thru backpain and into a strong body, and my mom was like 'give yourself a break!' and, i thought... okay, i'll try it out. She bought a Britax carseat companion thing, where i could just put the carseat. Thankfiully it broke in the plane ride and the airline is going to give much more money than waht my mom paid for it. So it worked out. The roads here in mexico aren't stroller friendly anyway. Lugging the broken thing around was awkward and embarrassing.

Second, co-sleeping. They bought me a tent. I thought it was going to be a small, portable bed but its really big and fit for a six year old. He's certainly not ready to be sleeping alone and so its set up, ready to be used, but probably not going to be used as he's still sleeping and suckling with me. And i love it.

"Let him cry!" or "Don't be so..." not overbearing, but he couldn't think of the word either... "concerned"? Its sort of irritating to be told by my parents not to bother when my child is upset, or in the process of getting upset.

But what I then tell myself is that "Its okay that I understand my child the best. I guess I really am the only person in the world that can do this specific work!"

And it feels good to remind myself of that. But this is such a challenge, to stay strong in my child-rearing philosoph amidst the pressure: "You're spoiling him!" "He wants a bath!" (a 4 month old does not 'want' a bath... Okay that was a tangent and has nothing to do with child rearing philosophies, but it was echoing and fresh in my consciousness.

Despite it all, (back to appreciation and gratitude) my dad holds much wisdom and knowledge and good advice in terms of where to go wtih my life and waht to do with my opportunities. And my mom is a great listener, open to even my craziest ideas and receptive and curious and interested. I'm happy to be living with them again for now. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe i'll make a decision to really move in with them, or maybe i'll make the decision to embark on my own and become a permanent resident of the San Francisco bay area. I really do not know. Maybe the situation will make the decision for me...

We'll see!

Weaning and sleep schedules,

at around 7pm, i go to bed with him. It seems early to non-Mothers, but I nurse him to sleep. I'm not sleeping. I'm on the computer, or watching a movie, or doing SOMEthing modern.

he nurses and sleeps lightly. from 7 to 10, and then he wakes up hungry and nurses heavily. I get up to make myself some oatmeal+banana+almond light dinner to help me sleep, coupled with some lavender+red clover+rasberry leaf+alfalfa+nettle tea. I don't do this super quietly. he will get used to my noises during the evening while he sleeps. I don't want to be tiptoeing around for the next 8 years.

....... Here's a tangent: i began meditating while i was pregnant. I had all this time and privilege to have a peaceful and transformative pregnancy. I would dutifully meditate in the morning and the evening, mixing it up to keep my interest and devotion. I would do Qi gong or some variant of Tai Chi in the morning to get my energy flowing, and I would do most things meditatively, becoming aware of my thoughts and feelings and my various identifications with these patterned programs.

Back then, 20 minutes of meditation was sooo long, and i wouldnt look at the watch while i was meditating and just end it when i thought 20 mintues had passed, and i was usually in the ballpark. Now i find myself meditatively nursing for up to 3 hours sometimes!! Its a challenge, sitting and Not doing all the things my monkeymind thinks to do, but its been incredibly beneficial and grounding. The ideas that I have sat with in the last few weeks are really coming to fruition. Its amazing how that will happen..........

Oh yes, the point is this:
I observe a collective fear, the need to get away, to have an independent baby, to be separate, to remain 'useful and productive' . When i'm latched to my baby i have intermittent urges to get away and DO something, but thanks to my highly evolved meditative mind, I see that impulse, and i disconnect from it.

He doesn't 'sleep through the night' per se, but he wakes me up to suckle, like a lover readjusting the cuddle-logistics.

And I don't mind. I am in fear of the day that he will say 'Mommmm, stop that!!!" when i go to kiss him as obnoxiously i'm sucking on his cheeks and kissing him all over his face and ears and stomach. He sucked on my lips today. is that inappropriate? Well, its certainly unconventional, and i won't let him do that in public when he's older... But my lips is the twin to my nipples, and HE started it.


The only thing undesirable about co-sleeping with my baby is this: i wish i would remember to remember my dreams!!! I wake up and i'm immediately thinking "change his diaper, interact!! baby smiles! laughter!'

And Its sad how my dreamlife just fades into the background of my daily noise, when i KNOW there is profundity that hides from my waking consciousness.

Hot Baths for baby

Yes, this is certainly unconventional, but it felt so amazing.
Its cold in San Francisco. I had some bath salts, specifically some Moldavite bath salts, and I was ready for the transformation that it warned against on the warning. "Don't use it if you're not really ready." It warns ominously and promisingly. Placebo? Perhaps. But whatever, it worked.

Last night we celebrated Thanksgiving, and at 8pm Mattheus was suckling and dozing and some laughter woke him up. He cried, and I decided the Right Mother thing to do was to go home and let him sleep properly. That night, sleep happened sporadically as usual. We didn't wake up completely until 9am, though, which is two hours later than usual. After a full morning of doing things, I was cold and wanted a hot bath. I filled it, jumped in while it filled and while he watched Baby Mozart, and made noises under water and became transformed. Then, getting him, and in his wearable blanket, I introduced him to the water. He played happily, but with that kinda crazy, strung-out look in his eye, like he was definitely tired and deprived of restful sleep. I pushed the limits of the bath, and as I toweled him off, he began to cry. After baths I let him go diaper-free. I think that will be a tradition, because its so convenient. Plus, chances are he isn't going to poop. He cried and cried, and I let him cry by my breast. I know he's tired. I know he's got a lot of issues with this world. I called this "the 5th world" to him in passing, saying I understand its different, but This is It. Earlier, in the tub, he had been crawling out of the water onto my chest with my assistance, of course. It was very reptilian, and i came to understand that the transition from womb to the earth matrix is oftentimes rough, the landing harsh.

I've been napping with him, and sleeping with him, letting him suckle whenever, but I know he wants more rest. So do I. And its really a day-to-day thing, so it could change in an instance. Maybe tonight will be the first night I am not woken up through the night to care for him. Maybe the transition to this 5th World is complete (but then whats the 6th world? Does it ever end? I sppose its when the transitions are so smooth that you don't even notice anymore and have thus entered into the flow...)

i'm so paranoid about whether or not he's going to develop properly... look at Us, we turned out fine. We work with what we've got.

From 7am until 1pm my mind was on a loop:
We just woke up and youre already rubbimg your eyes. Do you need to sleep? you need to sleep. But you can't yet. you're so awake... wanna eat? no? a little? ok. shit i shouldnt have let you. ok i wont until closer to 10. Then you can eat and then sleep.
and so it goes....

finally i exhaust myself, and give up, and THEN he tells me, so clearly communicated. Eat. Nowww!~ gobble gobbble, burp, a little bit of rocking. then, Zzzzz.

Stop being paranoid. He'll sleep when he wants to sleep. just have fun with him until he makes an alternative wish known. Even though he doesnt use words like i'm so bent on ("i'm looking forward to him being 3... or 18.") his communcative style can teach me so much.

Be more present... er, i mean, be present.


in other news, i have an appointment for him (us) at the acupuncturist on the 3rd. I'm getting a holistic care kit for around $100 that contains over 300 remedies and should last for his entire childhood. She''s treated pertussis a bunch, for adults, chldren and infants.

cold mothering, gentle mothering

I had to apologize to my little boy today. He was crying hsyterically as i was 'trying to put him to sleep.'

i was in the same room, and i left, like someone had said, and he cried even louder like he had been abandoned.

i came back and sang with him and it calmed him down, but what he really wanted was comfort and he didn't know why i wasn't giving it to him.

i kept trying, kept at it, kept resisting him.

What drives me to do that? why can't i just be with him?!?!

Finally, with his hands hsaking in terror, I picked him up and apologized over and over and over in japanese (i'm sorry is very different from gomen ne, emotionally...) And i promised him i'll do everything so that he doesn't have to cry.

Babies don't have to cry.

He is such a good baby and here i am, fucking it up, making him cry.

He never cries wtihout reason, and now i'm just creating a conditional attachment, conditional love...

*sigh*

I asked him if he'll forgive me and he laughed. but i felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach and i told him 'i don't know if i can forgive myself."

All the bad thoughts about myself arose, "i'm cold." "i'm spoiling you."
those thoughts are programs/patterns that have come from somewhere in the past,
and i'm ready to let them go.

What would replace it is a gentle mother, not afraid of 'spoiling' a child or creating a dependent child.

A patient, empowering, accommodating, momma.

Day 2 of attempted sleep-training: screw it.

Today i decided "screw whatever the lseep consultant said." She'd hopefully be happy to hear me say that.
I COULD be leaving the room putting him on a feeding schedule, trying ways to get him to fall asleep off the mammaries, trying not to establish a boob-sleep association... I could if i wanted to.

WHy don't I want to? What am i holding onto... I guess MY naps. Its like, when i put him down to sleep and Go, i'm rushing to do dishes, clean, vacuum, sweep, cooking something to eat, eating, drinking, making tea...

So i said screw it. i lay down with him on the sheepskin rugs i got right before he was born with visions of new born photography which never happened as i'd envisioned it... I lay down and behaved like an animal. i took my shirt off, and he fed, and i imagined myself some kind of combination of ape, cow, pig, horse feeding its young. If you want it, you come here. you got a neck, i'm not holding you. i'll lie here and be naked with you. you got everything you need. if you want to sleep, sleep. i'm tired, too, so i'll just chill for a while and accomodate you and talk to you in subtle grunts, whimpers, winnies, and aw's and ew's imitating your noises and assuming that every gesture, every breath, every finger movement is a form of communication, whether you intended for it o rnot. It is I who must learn Your language, little one, because I have already learned more than 3 forms of what we call 'languages.' but i know a little bit of sign, and i feel a lot of empathy and therefore can read what you feel, though you may not use anything close to words.

When hes tarts to yell i say 'i hear you, i hear you, but i don't understamd you.' if i don't, and 'i'm coming, you're so patient.' if i understand.

He really is patient, but i'm afraid the last two days i've made him doubt his attachmenta nds o he's grumpier. Sure, he's teething, but thats no excuse. He could be teething and it can be fun, biting things, playing with things... He's being opened up to the tactile world now, and so even 'teething' days can be good days. great days. wonderful days filled with exploration of the touch and tasting sense. I think as adults we often build a separation between adult and baby... We are both human, but somehow there's this separation.. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ME?? We yell and wave and make faces at the baby. DO YOU SEE ME!??! CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!? But instead I would like to cultivate a 'check this out!' followd with repeating and mirroring what the baby does, so that I may cme to understand him better, rather than trying to obsessively get him to understand me.

After acting like an animal and he was relatively asleep, i rolled into a more comfortable position. my movements made it more difficult ofr him ot suckle but because i was not eager to get away, he was able to adjust to the new information... I wasn't suddenlny gone with a loud rustle and a subtle arising in his awareness. i was still there... though a little further ad more difficut to suckle.

I adjusted to the present. Well, it would be nice to get something to eat, get my computer, type up all these thoughts, and maybe watch a movie...

But its nice to just be on my back, where its not hurting my shoulder to accomodate your feeding habit.

i find out ways i can care for my body given any situation... my wrists are sore, my shoulders hurt, my hips are creaky, my anklse and calves are requestiong new, better shoes (so i ordered some birckenstocks for the first time. paying a lot for shoes isn't something i allow myself to morally do with ease, just like being wasteful with food)

ANYways i'm having trouble taming my monkey mind. A point i wanted to make was this:

This time right now is the foundation upon which i am building my relationship with my child. Leaving the room says to him and to me that I have a cold side to him. Thats not a secure attachment.

I also think, though its a isdenote, that I have seen a lot of moms and pops re-en-acting out behaviors repeated from their own experience. Sometimes its very sad for me, like hearing a mom at the checkout telling her pacified infant "Don't touch that. i TOLD you don't touch that!! *lip smack* you don't LISTEN!"
or "Sit your ass down before i spank you!" or "Sit down and be quiet!" or even in other languages, you can hear their tone and what the gist is of what they're saying.

Ah the colors of san francisco. I'm sure my parents would say "when have you ever heard someone say 'sit yo ass on the seat or i'll spank you.' to tehir 4 year old child, but it was on the bus.

Anywho, point made, i'm gonna watch some tv now, something i really enjoy doing now (i hadn't watched

tv like this

for almost 5 years!

Establishing nap routine

I thought that would be easy, but it looks like I have to notice what I do naturally.

It is not the baby who will form habits, but it is me. And he will only get used to my routines.

I don't put music on for him. I put music on for me. i like to sing, and he likes to hear me do what i've done all the time. I loved white noise during pregnancy, as it muffled the conversations from below and around my walls. So, listen to adele, maybe we can switch up the songs, but i haven't found anything more appropriate than "Daydreamer" for the nap-time preparation song, and then followed by city sounds that I recorded on our front porch.

There is really too much information in my mind about sleep-training. One really shouldn't try to fix something that one doesn't independently feel is broken...

But i have started to try sleep training... and i have moments of being an asshole to my baby because of it...

And there's a lot going on in our energetic/psychic/life-emotion field. Our friends who gave birth to baby girl Cora almost a week ago had their baby taken away from them for the last 4 days. I have a lot of anger on the issue, and my son is a mirror for my projected anger... and who knows, maybe my son is truly feeling Cora's traumatic anguish of separation and abandonment. I talked to him face-to-face about it, and talking to him and crying with him about it really seemed to help, and his tones sounded like he understood my emotional flow... I know it's awful and unjust. There are some glitches in this earthly matrix. Lets work to make it better. I know it isn't perfect, but you will not be abandoned. I'm here. You're here. We are safe. Good things are coming our way. Good things are here. Everything is perfect as it is and everything is as it is and should be...

I have a recurring dream about not knowing where my baby is and needing to get to him... I've had the dream since his birth, and now its come true for my friends. I hope they get compensated in the millions for this.

Trying to sleep

Wow...
So it escalated to the point where we were processing Traumatic Pains together. I looked him in the face and he looked at me, crying his awful cry. It wasn't the little boy cry, of "Won't you pick me up?" It was a primal cry of "There is something WRONG with this dimension! I am SCARED. WHY THE FUCK DID I COME HERE!?!?!?!"

My little boy made me confront my biggest fears... the fears that I won't even take seriously because I'm so afraid of them. Shall i admit it to you, blogspace? I am afraid of reptilian humanoids, the real devils and demons, the darkest side of humanity, the insanity, the violence, the aggression, the tight hearts, the unfulfilled potentials for love... I am afraid of SO FRIGGIN MUCH!!!

My poor baby. He's probably teething, but how can i really know for sure? I mean, I guess teeth WILL be coming in... Therefore, he is teething...

Try doing yoga in the same room as the hysterically crying baby. You can move the energy through your own body, and you MAY notice an empathic connection between yourself and your baby. You can feel the anxiety in your stomach, move up your belly and into your heart, up to your throat and out your temples. Be careful when doing this, because sometimes you're baby will begin to uncontrollably vomit and you'll be best prepared with some knowledge of infant CPR and removing stuck objects... (football hold, lower your babys head face down and elevate her in an angle so that her head is lower than her legs.)

Gonna go back to doing yoga now, because he's still sort of awake and making whimpering noises. Keeping a log of everything is nearly impossible and has proved to be useful... But i'll keep trying.

Sleeping

Feeding and sleeping, feeding and sleeping. thats all he did for the first few weeks. Now its getting a little more complicated. He's almost 4 months old, and he's awake, alert, looking around, listening to sounds, and reaching out and grabbing things.

I am co-sleeping. I chose to do so out of convenience and out of not seeing any reason to put him in a crib (a cage-like structure separate from momma). I'm a lazy mother, and especially during the beginning, suckling and sleeping throughout the night was no problem.

I'm waking up tired now, though, and am beginning to want a full nights sleep, because I'm not taking naps like I promised myself I would. I'm ready for him to sleep through the night. What do I have to do for that?

My personal to-do list is as follows:

1. establish a relationship with a blankie/lovie. For sleep cues, comfort, and "taking a piece of me" instead of all of me and my breast.
2. prolong time between feedings in increased 15 minute timespans. ideally he will be feeding 5 times a day at 4hr intervals (from the start of each feeding.)
3. Get him to take two naps a day (until he's 12-18 months at which point it will become only one long nap a day). This doesn't include a night-sleep finishing nap after a morning feeding. (no junk naps in the carrier. real, good naps.)
4. He'll only be up for 12 hour spans, having a full day from 8 to 8 or something like that.

After establishing this foundation of feeding and lying down for naps in a consistent atmosphere with blankie, low light, and lying down, i'll remove the association of feeding/sleeping. A sleep-consultant said "the day should be e.a.s.y. Eat, Awake, Sleep, You-time. (The you-time was obviously just added for acronym convenience :) eating and sleeping should only be associated for the night rest, where the evening feed precedes sleep-time.

Tomorrow i will keep a log of his sleepy-cues (red eyes/eyebrows, rubbing, yawning, tired cooing sounds...) and write down when he woke, and how many hours before the first sleepy cues. i am to put him in a nap-atmosphere before the sleepy cues arise so he can naturally fall asleep without the stress-hormone Cortisol arising, at which point rocking/driving/nursing/walking becomes necessary, and the quality of sleep is compromised.

I'll begin implementation with getting good naps during the day. Sleep begets sleep, so if he's getting good, consistent naps, he'll rest well at night as well.


Most importantly, however, I am not going to push myself and him to do anything we are not ready for. After hearing a bunch of information, i thought, "great, we're gonna put you down for a nap because I know you're tired." I put him down and he began to cry. The sleep-training advice suggested leaving him and checking in with him consistently at 3 minutes, 5 minutes, and then 10-10-10-10 minute intervals, so he knows you're consistently coming back, but also not interrupting his natural desire to want to be napping. This, i think, is called 'extinction.' and is actually sort of extreme, but I jumped right in without thinking. I paced outside the room thinking "i can't handle this." I stared at the clock. Not even a minute passed, and I went inside. I didn't pick him up immediately, but i tried singing to him, bouncing his bouncer... It escalated. I kept trying. He coughed and out of stress, vomited. Choking, i picked him up putting his head below his feet so he can vomit cleanly. I cried with him, feeling like an asshole. When he was better and on my chest, I apologized to him, and he pulsed "Am i too much for you!?!? I thought i was okay!" and i again, feeling like an asshole, pulsed to him, "Of course not!! I'm so sorry... You can feed and sleep for now and we'll switch over more gently."

Sometimes i can be a real tough-love momma, but he reminds me to be gentle.

When I picked up the blanket he was sleeping with, i realized the first piece of advice to implement would be to establish a relationship with a blanket... Not jump into sleep-training. Duh.

Oh well, he's now sleeping right beside me, his arms touching my arm as i type this out.

A website on attachment parenting says about sleep to not expect to get a full nights rest, to be there for him whenever he asks, and to understand that this stage of infancy is temporary and they will grow up to be independent adults soon enough... "unreasonable expectation" and "life is different now. Put the comfort of your baby before your own." But my new desire for a full nights sleep has come from my understanding that WHICHEVER way i do it, whatever advice i take, he will grow up to be an independent, well-adjusted adult (so long as i don't mess it up by coddling him too much.)

Anyway, if you are researching ways to get your child to sleep through the night and stumbled upon this blog, the above pointers may help. If your baby is between 12 and 15 pounds, 12 weeks adjusted, they are absolutely capable of sleeping through the night if you do the things that allow them to do so.

Other things to note are these:

When you are rocking/driving/nursing your baby to sleep, you are only relaxing the cortisol and as soon as you stop, the baby will most likely be up again, still upset and awake. Catch the baby before she shows signs of tiredness and put her in an established sleep environment (spa-settings, 80% to pitch darkness, warmish temperature, soothing sounds, blankie friend.)

Also to note is that babies have a 3 day habit memory... so if you think you've established a habit or routine, it only takes 3 days to get used to a different routine or habit.

Sleeping on-the-go is referred to by a sleep-researcher as 'junk sleep' and is not regenerative sleep. Sleep begets sleep. Wakefulness begets wakefulness. If your baby misses naptime during the day, you can subtract that time from the amount of time he'll be sleeping at night.

How can you know if he's fed enough? Babies can wait 4 hours between feedings. 5 meals during the day, with solid foods being given after milk earlier in the day.

Co-sleeping might make sleeping through the night more difficult because they can smell it and see it, but i'm going to give it a try because i'm not about to buy a crib because i'm still in the process of moving around and traveling a bit.

Well, thats my first post. I've been wanting to start a blog on this experience. Lets see what i am inspired to write about next.