Free from external pressure

"I am free of the good and bad opinion of others"
That's a mantra i learned from Brian Johnson of Philosophersnotes.com
Its not one that follows me every day, but recently while on a family vacation I was able to embody that Word-Tool in my actual attitude towards a critical opinion of someone. I said matter-of-factly, "I hear what you are saying, but I'm not going to agree with you on that." It was regarding haircuts on my boy, but it extended itself to opinions on when i ought to wean him (or that he ought to be weaned sooner rather than later) and other opinions.

It is true that I spent a lot of my past observing parenting behavior and i will inevitably continue to do so, but there is a feeling of judgment that will be lacking from my observations and I aspire to carry an open heart filled with compassion and understanding. That means that I carry with me the understanding that I do not fully understand the suffering of many.

So my freedom from external pressure goes both ways, that i not put negative external pressure on others in an unsupportive or diminutive manner, as well as that i do not become weakened by external pressures that inevitably come my way.

Good parenting! Voila.

Usually I notice distracted parents, authoritative parents, unreasonable parents, uninspired, tired parents... So I am happy to report in my playground observations a day of witnessing good parent after great parent. A dad was playing a bilingual word game wIth his three year old. ¿Como ce dice...luz... En ingles? He was really working hard to come up with words for her to translate. And English is his second language. Him and his partner decided to speak Spanish at home so she learns both English in the world and Spanish at home. As a trilingual speaking kid, I appreciate his parental efforts. At one point daddy's little girl hurt herself and he said, aww vamos a la casa. And she stared screaming louder. He was so sensitive to her crying he wanted to retreat home. I started mumbling under my breath that she is hurt but doesn't want to go home, and I was afraid he wouldnt hear her, but the girl used her articulating skills to say she would just like some ice on her forehead and a drink of water, and not to go home. Very sweet! Good parenting efforts paying off.

Bad labels on children

I am tired of hearing people projecting their fears onto children! I'm sick of hearing adults voice their negative expectations of their children.

Never say a child is bad, demanding, or spoiled. This is an awful thing to say to a child who knows not what he does. When a 1-3 year old says 'fuck you' because they heard it in their environment, they are not bad. They're just repeating what they see. If you are a parent and your child is parroting negative environmental inputs, change the environment. Step it up. Switch daycares, stop cursing, stop hitting, laugh more, et cetera.

Practice not giving attention to your unfounded fears, and practice imagining the grand possibilities. See your child as full of potential, and not a time-bomb waiting to set off.

Avoid The Lecture

A lecture is only appropriate when the receiver is also intellectually engaged. It is not appropriate when the receiver is emotional, because reason and logic are temporarily disabled when upset!

Its not productive to explain the reasons we lost something. Acknowledge the upset first.

"Aw, you're really upset. It's a really nice stick! Its smooth with a nice bump on the end, and its bigger than you yet easy to carry. Its such a nice stick. And now someone else is playing with it and you feel like you lost the stick. That is really upsetting :( sad face :( "

and when the child feels like you're sympathizing, the screaming and anger will cease and then they'll just be grieving a little bit, and then you can nudge them in a positive direction, like, "If you loved the stick so much and then left it on the ground, maybe he'll do the same thing when he becomes interested in something else." And then, "Let's see what else could be interesting that might distract him from the stick." And then go find a bug, and show the kid with the stick the bug.

This way, the mother wouldn't be the bad guy. because its not her fault that the stick isn't available for play. Its just the way of the world. The mother becomes a source of comfort, instead of the harbinger of restrictions, which is an undesirable way to be viewed by an upset child.

Picky Eaters

Feeding our children is the most important and time-consuming aspect of parenting. Most of us aren't accustomed to thinking about food so much. We aren't all chefs. If you missed that book "French Children Eat Everything" it's a good book to pick up before your child starts eating solids. It tells you how to prepare a variety of colors for your baby when they're being introduced to solid foods to accustom them to the concept of variety. I missed that sensitive period, so I played catch up when my son was weaned. Here is what I have observed.

1. Children don't need to eat as much as we like to see them eat. Keep the excess in tupperware and save it for later. If you prepared a lot of it, freeze it to save time later.

2. Children enjoy taking little tastes of a wide variety of food throughout the day. This can be called snacking or grazing. Get creative. Don't stick to staple snack foods. Mix it up. Hummus, grapes, tomato wedges, red peppers, cauliflower. Offer a few different basic foods and let them pick from the variety.

3. Reflect on the quality of your own diet. Educating yourself in nutrition and cuisine is not an easy task, but it doesn't have to happen overnight. Its a journey that you'll take along with your child. Slowly get rid of the bad stuff and replace it with the good. Taste buds adjust. Eventually all that healthy food will cease to taste bland and will offer a huge variety of flavors never before perceived. If you took care of your body while you were pregnant, you still have the same incentive to continue doing so. You're still eating for two (or more)!

4. Resist breaking down and buying packaged food with high fructose corn syrup, food coloring, or... any packaged food in general. Its dead inside. Shop on the perimeter of the grocery store, only going into aisles for the staples you absolutely know ahead of time that you need, like corn tortillas and salsa! 

5. Avoid stress around food. Prepare food together with them. They're more likely to eat it then, anyway. There's tons of resources on cooking with kids through sites like Pinterest.

6. In order to not stress around food, you need to feel good about what they're eating (99.8% of the time). You can sneak in greens by making smoothies or mixing algae tablets in with some apples in a high-speed blender (or the pot if you boil apples to make apple sauce). I like putting kale or spinach with banana and a little bit of peanut butter. My son doesn't always want some, but occasionally he'll devour it. So again, their bodies want different things at different times. Take care of your own body, and let them share your food when they want it. If you eat well, they'll eat well. 

You don't have to drastically change everything you eat in order to be healthy. After tweaking a few aspects about what you eat, a rhythm emerges. In place of cereal from a box and milk you may pour oats, raisins, chia seeds, chop up some banana's, drizzle some honey on top, and pour in some almond milk. You'll live longer, you'll feel better, and the kids will eat better. 

"Non Violent Communication"

I just wanted to put this picture here because its hilarious. Not entirely relevant, except that if you use non violent communication with your child, they won't become a douchebag.

 My son is in the range of the horribly named "terrible" two's. Its an age where they're learning to communicate. Many parents don't know how to communicate, and so the honeymoon phase of having a perfect infant is over. Now its a relationship, and lord knows, we could all use help relating better.

What do we do when our own needs are conflicting with the desires of our child?

I have briefly studied Non Violent Communication (NVC), but haven't had much practice. There are groups in metropolitan areas where one can practice in groups if you're interested in learning more.

My son was waving his hand close to my face. In an effort to practice NVC i said "I feel attacked!" and i retreated. I looked at him, and then I tried to see why he was doing it. I hadn't really looked at him in a while, and he wanted me to look him in the eyes and to connect. He showed me what he wanted, and I was able to give it to him. Alternatively, I could have just said "Don't hit me!" but that wouldn't have addressed his need for connection. I could tell him "Go play somewhere else." and cut off connection, but that would become a habitual response in our relationship and we'd create a wedge in our relationship. NVC works to always get closer, and to create more understanding with each other. Its a great way to feel heard, to create a change in behavior, and to become more satisfied. Identifying needs and feelings is a key to non violent communication, so it requires practice, but once you get acquainted with the various needs and feelings, you can access creative solutions to relationship conflicts. So, to summarize NVC briefly here:

First, make an observation without evaluating it further. "I noticed that you're frantically waving your hands in my face." Then state what this situation made you feel. "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and slightly afraid for my safety." Then, state what need the feeling was prompted from. For example, "I feel attacked! I'd like to feel safe, loved, connected, and/or nurtured." Then, offer an action for the other person to take that would help you feel that way. For example, "Could you touch me gently?" Of course, you can also go to the other person and say "I'm wondering what you're feeling, what you're needing, that you want to frantically wave your hands in my face. I'm just guessing, but perhaps you want to play?"
Here is a video about non violent communication in regards to parenting.

idle nannies

A nannie sits at the side of the playground chatting with her friend. The adorable child says 'hello' as i walk past, and begins to follow me to the tennis court. She's being friendly and curious. The nanny jumps up and runs after her shouting "No!!!!" in a frightened and fearful tone.

If she'd been paying attention it could have been pleasant and wonderful. That child is now slightly more stressed around strangers and will likely grow up to stay contained. I wish her luck and an impulse to grow and explore in later years when she is offered freedom.

assert yo'self, momma!

A 3 year old boy becomes fascinated with me and we begin playing together. He is shooting imaginary beams out of his openfaced hands, and i am pretending to be loaded up with energy and occasionally blasted away. I shoot him back with imaginary beams out of my open hands. It begins to drizzle/mist very lightly, not enough to get wet. The mother follows us around for 15 minutes telling him how its raining and she wants to go in a tone of voice that sounds like a child whining. She is weak. He ignores her. When she finally asserts herself, he is leaving and I say goodbye, but he complains that he wants to stay. she gives him five more minutes and sets a timer (which had been going off over and over again previously and she would say "see? the timer is going off! We need to go!" but never followed through) We continue to play. Finally, I have to leave because my son is ready for his nap and they probably leave soon after.

unfairness in adult power

Two pre-school boys are fighting over a plastic phone that belongs to one of them. The nanny comes over after the owner of the toy wins in a scuffle saying "can i have the phone?" The boy sulks and gives it to her. The boy who had been fighting for the toy (but had lost) reaches out his hand to receive the phone. The nanny, not knowing the boy very well, gives it to him. The original owner/winner sees this and skulks away.

Poor kid. Kids work out their scuffles amongst themselves. An adult exercising authority feels totally disempowering and unfair.

unreasonable, unflexible, unkind

At the Clemejentri playground in falls church, virginia: A boy had (i gathered) commented that he was cold. His monster mother gave him a choice between wearing his little sisters pink fluffy jacket or her oversized sweater. He pouted and said he didn't want to wear a sweater and was fine and wanted to go play. She demanded for the next 5 minutes that he choose a sweater. His slightly older brother was watching, wanting to go play, but not allowed to do so. The mother said "If you don't wear one of these jackets we're going to go to the car and even if you change your mind we won't come back! She started moving towards the car. Nobody was happy. I was staring, fixated on what was going on, feeling sorry for the powerless boy forced to make a decision between two unsatisfactory choices. I bet he was wishing he'd never mentioned how cold he was.

Eventually the older brother gave his younger brother his vest, and his mother demanded he choose between the sweaters, and he was wearing his mothers oversized sweater that went to his knees and whose sleeves were way too long for him. It looked ridiculous and he couldn't really move in it, so the mother eventually allowed him to take it off.

It was mild and sunny.

She was sooo unreasonable!!!