Pregnancy, i and the baby were one. That was easy. My thoughts and emotions, my food, all was directly connected to the flesh of the baby. After birth, we were still one flesh. Though the umbilical was cut, his flesh was still of my flesh, and his further nourishment was still of my flesh via breastmilk. 9 months later, he is beginning to stand, crawl, laugh for reasons i do not know, but we are still one. When i look in his eyes, i see something much more than respect, friendship, and love. There is something beyond human looking out from behind his once blue, once grey, now brown eyes. The awareness that looks back at me is familiar. It is a mirror. I see myself.
It is easy now because he does not yet speak. The obsessions of adults to get him to smile and laugh, the manic "HiiiI!'s that are unnatural and treats him with an air of separation, well those behaviors and perspectives are contagious unless i maintain awareness around the matter. I am committed to creating a new relationship, and expanding my relationship perspective that i have gained with my baby to everyone else, to my parents, to my friends, to strangers... to see beyond=humanness looking out from the eyes of 'others' and to see myself in the awareness of their eyes.
We can be so manic with communication, telling stories, provoking reactions, reacting, thinking, planning, judging, manipulating, distracted. I can be so manic interacting with my baby. More stillness. More being presence. I will not fall trap to the obsession!! I will not!
Good night.
Tuesday 12 April 2011
Saturday 2 April 2011
Name thyself, Give me a name
Dear Child,
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
Enlightened children
"Thank you for raising an enlightened child. Our world needs it!" said an elder that i really respect. Oh, i was so flattered! But the past few days have not been harmonious. They haven't been bad, either, but our relationship hadn't been super, due to jetlag and a lack of routine, which is soon to change. I really love routine, and i'm sure my baby does, too.
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
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