.:.nursing and intimacy.:.

Intimacy begins with Mother. If Mother cannot be fully intimate, Child will grow up with similar blockage towards intimacy.

If Mother can nurse intimately, without shame or worry, then the gateway to intimacy is free and clear.

Shame towards nude breasts and feeding in public... Worry that the boy will have a 'mother-complex'...


Are humans the only species who question their own mothering abilities? Are we the only species who repeats what others have said to us (Don't spoil him! Don't get him used to you picking him up when he fake-coughs!) or do dolphins get social anxiety, too?

I have found it difficult to be myself around others in terms of caring for my baby. When around someone whom i consider more experienced or knowledgeable about babies, I find myself taking on the 'student' role, body language becoming more 'please help me' and my self-confidence declining regarding communication between myself and my baby... When I'm with him, fully present with him, our communication is impeccable, better than it is with any other human being. There is no misunderstanding, and the most subtle hand movements communicate everything necessary. But when others are around, 'maybe it was a nightmare!' and their countless projections 'maybe he's bored.'

I guess at this point it has nothing to do with nursing and intimacy... Intimacy, maybe... Intimacy in public. Something i must Master... I"ve had this issue with lovers, too, unable to acknowledge intimacy when witnessed by others. hehe Its my moms fault!

But in all seriousness....

Next time I notice this block of intimacy in public, i will make the conscious adjustment to make contact with and become present with my baby. If I have been separate from him, i will reconnect, either by taking some private time with him or separating myself from the crowd. Then i'll reintegrate into the circle with him, still fully present. (Worry: New Mothers are obsessed with their babies and only look at their babies.)

Gosh... stupid humans. Overthinking, overanalyzing.

At what point in evolution did breastfeeding become such psychological warfare? Oh... Actually i know the answer to that, but thats a whole other tangent on maslow's hierarchy of needs. I am climbing the pyramid towards self-actualization.

This tangent is now
over

Word Magic

Be mindful of what you label your child as. As you begin to paint that picture, it attracts more of the same.

Sweet child, you are so wise. You are so patient! Thank you. You are so understanding and compromise so well. Thanks for working with me and making this journey so enjoyable. Rough moments, sure, tired moments, sure. moments i dont understand you and you're frustrated, yes. But those dark moments are countered by such intense light, the smile when you wake up, the little eyes blinking in the dark... I don't need to see your mouth to know you're smiling. The tonal conversations, wordless but so profound! You are full of such wisdom and beauty and I see it. I see you and your soul twinkling thru from behind your eyes. You are magical, so so so magical and i am excited to see what you'll show me, excited to learn your talents and gifts, and excited to help you through your challenges. I know we're perfect for each other, and i am SO up for this challenge, little buddha, of protecting your divine creativity.

I will do my very, very best. Please keep me in line if you notice i'm off. We are mirrors for each other. Let's live as fully as we can, for all those who can't, who died prematurely or who got caught up in a glitch in the matrix. Let's laugh and play and explore for all the laughter and playfulness suppressed in others, or taken away, I will approach my own dark emotions with the compassion twith which i will approach yours, processing them fully, completely, and quickly so that we can return to the light! It isnt necessary to linger too long in the ditch when we know how to get up and get out, how to get through the muck. It doesn't have to be there, but sometimes it still is.

Oh, little buddha...

Thank you for being such a wonderful mirror for my Self, Family, genetic heritage, DNA, social and cultural heritage... Mattheus... echo of the cosmos...

To our first solstice!

What a Good Baby!

they say.
In the plane, at the pool, on the go, 'what a good baby.'

Good, as opposed to 'bad'? Of course you wouldn't say 'what a bad baby.' or think that. You would think 'difficult.' So, the better term would be 'what an easy baby.' Right?

Well, after someone said that to me at the pool today, i told my baby. You're a Good Baby! And I'm a Good Mother.

It felt really fuckin good to say i'm a good mother. i have often felt like i dont get props for it, so i gave myself props. And it felt good.

I highly recommend doing it, especially when people tell you how good your baby is. Because your baby is only good because you're a good listener!!

Reactions to pregnancy, Values of Society

I experienced conception and pregnancy as a divine calling that i could not turn down. Yes, i'll be a mother!! Of course! Its probably the only thing i've wanted that has been consistent since childhood, besides fame from which i could be of good and wide-spreading influence.

My friend from 1st grade said "kill it! its just a bunch of cells leeching off of your body. kill it!"
My dad told me it would be difficult to find a husband, and it was a bad financial decision.
My friends from (and still in) college got together and talked about me, and were worried and scared.

What traditionally and evolutionarily has been the great joy of Living and Loving has become burdensome. Career first, and then have a kid when you're 30. Be financially stable first, have everything lined up with the husband that your family loves and the house in a quiet residential neighborhood right outside the city.

I didn't freak out and get a job (like i almost did) upon the embryonic download. I sat and meditated and evaluated my life's purpose and dreams for the future.

This is what I arrived at:
I wanted to master something valuable, helpful, and useful to my community. I wanted to live with the rhythms and cycles of a landscape. I wanted to be surrounded by good people, nutritious food, and be able to see the stars at night. I wanted my child to have a tight community and lots of friends and freedom. I don't want to worry.

That was at the very core of what I wanted, ontop of continued personal and spiritual evolution and more moments of bliss and joy. So i'm taking it from there. Career? Money? No... That's not precisely what I'm after... Esteem, Joy, Worthiness, Helpfulness, and feeling like I fit in my environment. That's what I'm after.

diaper free

Diaper free is definitely the way to be. The problem is... that he pees and poops. But i spent most of today ... or rather, he spent most of today not wearing a diaper, and it wasn't too messy.

I think i could do this, slowly but surely.

Before he was born i was all about diaper freeness. But, once he was born i said, well, once i get used to having a baby, i'll start the diaper free thing...

Now i'm reading about it and it says it would have been easier had i started right away. Woops.

Regardless, i can't go back into the past and tell myself to stay cooped up inside post-birth. I was out and about immediately, He was in diapers all the time.

Now he's got rashes and his penis is looking mushy and, due to the heat in mexico we enjoyed nakedness today and i realized my previous intention... diaper free.. ok.

Not at night, though. not yet. And not when we go out. Not yet. But we'll start wtih when we're at home. Little by little. eliminating the diapers altogether.

When i'm old, i dont want him sticking me in a diaper and letting me soak. So i wont do that to him either. Where's the dignity in that!?

Good mothers, in-touch momma's

I am aware of two women whom i respect as 'good' mothers, who are in tune with tehir offspring.

One mother 'Earth' and one whose name means Dawn in arabic. I met them both in San Francisco while pregnant and educating myself on birthing naturally.

They see the divinity in their children. Earth said today "If i lived in another culture, i know they'd take her to become a priestess"
and Dawn named her son "life knowing Om" but in hebrew, arabic, and... the sanskrit Om.

When a baby fusses and they hear it, they see what the baby wants. They don't go "egh, what now?"

They appreciate the presence of their children in their lives, take the challenges in stride and as opportunities for learning and growth, and respect their children for being teachers, for coming into our lives, for being here...

I need women like that around me occasionally, to remind me to stay strong, aurically, spiritually, physically, emotionally... To not give in to the inauspicious, unbeneficial, unharmonious ways of childrearing that permeate mainstream culture.

Yeah, all three of us sorta look like androgenous bohemians and eat jicama chips and hummus wiht a lot of garlic in it. I think we're doign okay :) I think this is okay. I think its okay to spoil my infant, and be his servant for now. Hell no when he's 5 will i be serving him, but i will remain open and honest with him, assuming that he understands what i am saying to him and has the capacity to comprehend the world... without keeping things from him.

I think he'll understand when i tell him what a 'social taboo' is. I think he'll understand if i have to explain to him that some herbs can be smoked and not have the same unhealthy effects of cigarettes. I think he'll understand when i explain to him that, 'so-and-so loves you, but dont listen to waht they say all the time.' because there are somet hings i just dont want him picking up or integrating into his world schema (to be deconstructed later on his healing path!)

He already understands so much. and he's only 5 months old.

Following, Imitating baby

I like to think he's teaching me... from the very beginning, through the fear of the first trimester into nutritional self education, to emotional balancing, to the mediative intensity of birthing.... But then as a little infant, the backbends and burping, teaching me to clear. the facial expressions making my face more flexible and expressive, and now the hand movements. they're inspiring me to learn sign language. And, of course, sign language is officially different in india, america, england, japan, and everywhere else, but we all ave signs we make with our hands naturally, and learning sign language has made me more in touch with that natural movement that comes about with my hands.

I could ignore the little twitches of the fingers he does while he's nursing, or the little grabbing motions he makes on my arm when he's looking ta the world... but i'm not going to. Every movement has meaning and intention.

Three generations Under One Roof

I've been reunited with my parents for one week now. There are many lovely aspects to this, such as unconditional love and support and good healthy home cooking, as well as a willing and capable babysitter, i find myself struggling to maintain my strength of intuition regarding what is called 'attachment parenting'. The universe is conspiring to challenge me!

First it started with a stroller. I've been carrying him thru backpain and into a strong body, and my mom was like 'give yourself a break!' and, i thought... okay, i'll try it out. She bought a Britax carseat companion thing, where i could just put the carseat. Thankfiully it broke in the plane ride and the airline is going to give much more money than waht my mom paid for it. So it worked out. The roads here in mexico aren't stroller friendly anyway. Lugging the broken thing around was awkward and embarrassing.

Second, co-sleeping. They bought me a tent. I thought it was going to be a small, portable bed but its really big and fit for a six year old. He's certainly not ready to be sleeping alone and so its set up, ready to be used, but probably not going to be used as he's still sleeping and suckling with me. And i love it.

"Let him cry!" or "Don't be so..." not overbearing, but he couldn't think of the word either... "concerned"? Its sort of irritating to be told by my parents not to bother when my child is upset, or in the process of getting upset.

But what I then tell myself is that "Its okay that I understand my child the best. I guess I really am the only person in the world that can do this specific work!"

And it feels good to remind myself of that. But this is such a challenge, to stay strong in my child-rearing philosoph amidst the pressure: "You're spoiling him!" "He wants a bath!" (a 4 month old does not 'want' a bath... Okay that was a tangent and has nothing to do with child rearing philosophies, but it was echoing and fresh in my consciousness.

Despite it all, (back to appreciation and gratitude) my dad holds much wisdom and knowledge and good advice in terms of where to go wtih my life and waht to do with my opportunities. And my mom is a great listener, open to even my craziest ideas and receptive and curious and interested. I'm happy to be living with them again for now. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe i'll make a decision to really move in with them, or maybe i'll make the decision to embark on my own and become a permanent resident of the San Francisco bay area. I really do not know. Maybe the situation will make the decision for me...

We'll see!