Weaning and sleep schedules,

at around 7pm, i go to bed with him. It seems early to non-Mothers, but I nurse him to sleep. I'm not sleeping. I'm on the computer, or watching a movie, or doing SOMEthing modern.

he nurses and sleeps lightly. from 7 to 10, and then he wakes up hungry and nurses heavily. I get up to make myself some oatmeal+banana+almond light dinner to help me sleep, coupled with some lavender+red clover+rasberry leaf+alfalfa+nettle tea. I don't do this super quietly. he will get used to my noises during the evening while he sleeps. I don't want to be tiptoeing around for the next 8 years.

....... Here's a tangent: i began meditating while i was pregnant. I had all this time and privilege to have a peaceful and transformative pregnancy. I would dutifully meditate in the morning and the evening, mixing it up to keep my interest and devotion. I would do Qi gong or some variant of Tai Chi in the morning to get my energy flowing, and I would do most things meditatively, becoming aware of my thoughts and feelings and my various identifications with these patterned programs.

Back then, 20 minutes of meditation was sooo long, and i wouldnt look at the watch while i was meditating and just end it when i thought 20 mintues had passed, and i was usually in the ballpark. Now i find myself meditatively nursing for up to 3 hours sometimes!! Its a challenge, sitting and Not doing all the things my monkeymind thinks to do, but its been incredibly beneficial and grounding. The ideas that I have sat with in the last few weeks are really coming to fruition. Its amazing how that will happen..........

Oh yes, the point is this:
I observe a collective fear, the need to get away, to have an independent baby, to be separate, to remain 'useful and productive' . When i'm latched to my baby i have intermittent urges to get away and DO something, but thanks to my highly evolved meditative mind, I see that impulse, and i disconnect from it.

He doesn't 'sleep through the night' per se, but he wakes me up to suckle, like a lover readjusting the cuddle-logistics.

And I don't mind. I am in fear of the day that he will say 'Mommmm, stop that!!!" when i go to kiss him as obnoxiously i'm sucking on his cheeks and kissing him all over his face and ears and stomach. He sucked on my lips today. is that inappropriate? Well, its certainly unconventional, and i won't let him do that in public when he's older... But my lips is the twin to my nipples, and HE started it.


The only thing undesirable about co-sleeping with my baby is this: i wish i would remember to remember my dreams!!! I wake up and i'm immediately thinking "change his diaper, interact!! baby smiles! laughter!'

And Its sad how my dreamlife just fades into the background of my daily noise, when i KNOW there is profundity that hides from my waking consciousness.

Hot Baths for baby

Yes, this is certainly unconventional, but it felt so amazing.
Its cold in San Francisco. I had some bath salts, specifically some Moldavite bath salts, and I was ready for the transformation that it warned against on the warning. "Don't use it if you're not really ready." It warns ominously and promisingly. Placebo? Perhaps. But whatever, it worked.

Last night we celebrated Thanksgiving, and at 8pm Mattheus was suckling and dozing and some laughter woke him up. He cried, and I decided the Right Mother thing to do was to go home and let him sleep properly. That night, sleep happened sporadically as usual. We didn't wake up completely until 9am, though, which is two hours later than usual. After a full morning of doing things, I was cold and wanted a hot bath. I filled it, jumped in while it filled and while he watched Baby Mozart, and made noises under water and became transformed. Then, getting him, and in his wearable blanket, I introduced him to the water. He played happily, but with that kinda crazy, strung-out look in his eye, like he was definitely tired and deprived of restful sleep. I pushed the limits of the bath, and as I toweled him off, he began to cry. After baths I let him go diaper-free. I think that will be a tradition, because its so convenient. Plus, chances are he isn't going to poop. He cried and cried, and I let him cry by my breast. I know he's tired. I know he's got a lot of issues with this world. I called this "the 5th world" to him in passing, saying I understand its different, but This is It. Earlier, in the tub, he had been crawling out of the water onto my chest with my assistance, of course. It was very reptilian, and i came to understand that the transition from womb to the earth matrix is oftentimes rough, the landing harsh.

I've been napping with him, and sleeping with him, letting him suckle whenever, but I know he wants more rest. So do I. And its really a day-to-day thing, so it could change in an instance. Maybe tonight will be the first night I am not woken up through the night to care for him. Maybe the transition to this 5th World is complete (but then whats the 6th world? Does it ever end? I sppose its when the transitions are so smooth that you don't even notice anymore and have thus entered into the flow...)

i'm so paranoid about whether or not he's going to develop properly... look at Us, we turned out fine. We work with what we've got.

From 7am until 1pm my mind was on a loop:
We just woke up and youre already rubbimg your eyes. Do you need to sleep? you need to sleep. But you can't yet. you're so awake... wanna eat? no? a little? ok. shit i shouldnt have let you. ok i wont until closer to 10. Then you can eat and then sleep.
and so it goes....

finally i exhaust myself, and give up, and THEN he tells me, so clearly communicated. Eat. Nowww!~ gobble gobbble, burp, a little bit of rocking. then, Zzzzz.

Stop being paranoid. He'll sleep when he wants to sleep. just have fun with him until he makes an alternative wish known. Even though he doesnt use words like i'm so bent on ("i'm looking forward to him being 3... or 18.") his communcative style can teach me so much.

Be more present... er, i mean, be present.


in other news, i have an appointment for him (us) at the acupuncturist on the 3rd. I'm getting a holistic care kit for around $100 that contains over 300 remedies and should last for his entire childhood. She''s treated pertussis a bunch, for adults, chldren and infants.

cold mothering, gentle mothering

I had to apologize to my little boy today. He was crying hsyterically as i was 'trying to put him to sleep.'

i was in the same room, and i left, like someone had said, and he cried even louder like he had been abandoned.

i came back and sang with him and it calmed him down, but what he really wanted was comfort and he didn't know why i wasn't giving it to him.

i kept trying, kept at it, kept resisting him.

What drives me to do that? why can't i just be with him?!?!

Finally, with his hands hsaking in terror, I picked him up and apologized over and over and over in japanese (i'm sorry is very different from gomen ne, emotionally...) And i promised him i'll do everything so that he doesn't have to cry.

Babies don't have to cry.

He is such a good baby and here i am, fucking it up, making him cry.

He never cries wtihout reason, and now i'm just creating a conditional attachment, conditional love...

*sigh*

I asked him if he'll forgive me and he laughed. but i felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach and i told him 'i don't know if i can forgive myself."

All the bad thoughts about myself arose, "i'm cold." "i'm spoiling you."
those thoughts are programs/patterns that have come from somewhere in the past,
and i'm ready to let them go.

What would replace it is a gentle mother, not afraid of 'spoiling' a child or creating a dependent child.

A patient, empowering, accommodating, momma.

Day 2 of attempted sleep-training: screw it.

Today i decided "screw whatever the lseep consultant said." She'd hopefully be happy to hear me say that.
I COULD be leaving the room putting him on a feeding schedule, trying ways to get him to fall asleep off the mammaries, trying not to establish a boob-sleep association... I could if i wanted to.

WHy don't I want to? What am i holding onto... I guess MY naps. Its like, when i put him down to sleep and Go, i'm rushing to do dishes, clean, vacuum, sweep, cooking something to eat, eating, drinking, making tea...

So i said screw it. i lay down with him on the sheepskin rugs i got right before he was born with visions of new born photography which never happened as i'd envisioned it... I lay down and behaved like an animal. i took my shirt off, and he fed, and i imagined myself some kind of combination of ape, cow, pig, horse feeding its young. If you want it, you come here. you got a neck, i'm not holding you. i'll lie here and be naked with you. you got everything you need. if you want to sleep, sleep. i'm tired, too, so i'll just chill for a while and accomodate you and talk to you in subtle grunts, whimpers, winnies, and aw's and ew's imitating your noises and assuming that every gesture, every breath, every finger movement is a form of communication, whether you intended for it o rnot. It is I who must learn Your language, little one, because I have already learned more than 3 forms of what we call 'languages.' but i know a little bit of sign, and i feel a lot of empathy and therefore can read what you feel, though you may not use anything close to words.

When hes tarts to yell i say 'i hear you, i hear you, but i don't understamd you.' if i don't, and 'i'm coming, you're so patient.' if i understand.

He really is patient, but i'm afraid the last two days i've made him doubt his attachmenta nds o he's grumpier. Sure, he's teething, but thats no excuse. He could be teething and it can be fun, biting things, playing with things... He's being opened up to the tactile world now, and so even 'teething' days can be good days. great days. wonderful days filled with exploration of the touch and tasting sense. I think as adults we often build a separation between adult and baby... We are both human, but somehow there's this separation.. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ME?? We yell and wave and make faces at the baby. DO YOU SEE ME!??! CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!? But instead I would like to cultivate a 'check this out!' followd with repeating and mirroring what the baby does, so that I may cme to understand him better, rather than trying to obsessively get him to understand me.

After acting like an animal and he was relatively asleep, i rolled into a more comfortable position. my movements made it more difficult ofr him ot suckle but because i was not eager to get away, he was able to adjust to the new information... I wasn't suddenlny gone with a loud rustle and a subtle arising in his awareness. i was still there... though a little further ad more difficut to suckle.

I adjusted to the present. Well, it would be nice to get something to eat, get my computer, type up all these thoughts, and maybe watch a movie...

But its nice to just be on my back, where its not hurting my shoulder to accomodate your feeding habit.

i find out ways i can care for my body given any situation... my wrists are sore, my shoulders hurt, my hips are creaky, my anklse and calves are requestiong new, better shoes (so i ordered some birckenstocks for the first time. paying a lot for shoes isn't something i allow myself to morally do with ease, just like being wasteful with food)

ANYways i'm having trouble taming my monkey mind. A point i wanted to make was this:

This time right now is the foundation upon which i am building my relationship with my child. Leaving the room says to him and to me that I have a cold side to him. Thats not a secure attachment.

I also think, though its a isdenote, that I have seen a lot of moms and pops re-en-acting out behaviors repeated from their own experience. Sometimes its very sad for me, like hearing a mom at the checkout telling her pacified infant "Don't touch that. i TOLD you don't touch that!! *lip smack* you don't LISTEN!"
or "Sit your ass down before i spank you!" or "Sit down and be quiet!" or even in other languages, you can hear their tone and what the gist is of what they're saying.

Ah the colors of san francisco. I'm sure my parents would say "when have you ever heard someone say 'sit yo ass on the seat or i'll spank you.' to tehir 4 year old child, but it was on the bus.

Anywho, point made, i'm gonna watch some tv now, something i really enjoy doing now (i hadn't watched

tv like this

for almost 5 years!

Establishing nap routine

I thought that would be easy, but it looks like I have to notice what I do naturally.

It is not the baby who will form habits, but it is me. And he will only get used to my routines.

I don't put music on for him. I put music on for me. i like to sing, and he likes to hear me do what i've done all the time. I loved white noise during pregnancy, as it muffled the conversations from below and around my walls. So, listen to adele, maybe we can switch up the songs, but i haven't found anything more appropriate than "Daydreamer" for the nap-time preparation song, and then followed by city sounds that I recorded on our front porch.

There is really too much information in my mind about sleep-training. One really shouldn't try to fix something that one doesn't independently feel is broken...

But i have started to try sleep training... and i have moments of being an asshole to my baby because of it...

And there's a lot going on in our energetic/psychic/life-emotion field. Our friends who gave birth to baby girl Cora almost a week ago had their baby taken away from them for the last 4 days. I have a lot of anger on the issue, and my son is a mirror for my projected anger... and who knows, maybe my son is truly feeling Cora's traumatic anguish of separation and abandonment. I talked to him face-to-face about it, and talking to him and crying with him about it really seemed to help, and his tones sounded like he understood my emotional flow... I know it's awful and unjust. There are some glitches in this earthly matrix. Lets work to make it better. I know it isn't perfect, but you will not be abandoned. I'm here. You're here. We are safe. Good things are coming our way. Good things are here. Everything is perfect as it is and everything is as it is and should be...

I have a recurring dream about not knowing where my baby is and needing to get to him... I've had the dream since his birth, and now its come true for my friends. I hope they get compensated in the millions for this.

Trying to sleep

Wow...
So it escalated to the point where we were processing Traumatic Pains together. I looked him in the face and he looked at me, crying his awful cry. It wasn't the little boy cry, of "Won't you pick me up?" It was a primal cry of "There is something WRONG with this dimension! I am SCARED. WHY THE FUCK DID I COME HERE!?!?!?!"

My little boy made me confront my biggest fears... the fears that I won't even take seriously because I'm so afraid of them. Shall i admit it to you, blogspace? I am afraid of reptilian humanoids, the real devils and demons, the darkest side of humanity, the insanity, the violence, the aggression, the tight hearts, the unfulfilled potentials for love... I am afraid of SO FRIGGIN MUCH!!!

My poor baby. He's probably teething, but how can i really know for sure? I mean, I guess teeth WILL be coming in... Therefore, he is teething...

Try doing yoga in the same room as the hysterically crying baby. You can move the energy through your own body, and you MAY notice an empathic connection between yourself and your baby. You can feel the anxiety in your stomach, move up your belly and into your heart, up to your throat and out your temples. Be careful when doing this, because sometimes you're baby will begin to uncontrollably vomit and you'll be best prepared with some knowledge of infant CPR and removing stuck objects... (football hold, lower your babys head face down and elevate her in an angle so that her head is lower than her legs.)

Gonna go back to doing yoga now, because he's still sort of awake and making whimpering noises. Keeping a log of everything is nearly impossible and has proved to be useful... But i'll keep trying.

Sleeping

Feeding and sleeping, feeding and sleeping. thats all he did for the first few weeks. Now its getting a little more complicated. He's almost 4 months old, and he's awake, alert, looking around, listening to sounds, and reaching out and grabbing things.

I am co-sleeping. I chose to do so out of convenience and out of not seeing any reason to put him in a crib (a cage-like structure separate from momma). I'm a lazy mother, and especially during the beginning, suckling and sleeping throughout the night was no problem.

I'm waking up tired now, though, and am beginning to want a full nights sleep, because I'm not taking naps like I promised myself I would. I'm ready for him to sleep through the night. What do I have to do for that?

My personal to-do list is as follows:

1. establish a relationship with a blankie/lovie. For sleep cues, comfort, and "taking a piece of me" instead of all of me and my breast.
2. prolong time between feedings in increased 15 minute timespans. ideally he will be feeding 5 times a day at 4hr intervals (from the start of each feeding.)
3. Get him to take two naps a day (until he's 12-18 months at which point it will become only one long nap a day). This doesn't include a night-sleep finishing nap after a morning feeding. (no junk naps in the carrier. real, good naps.)
4. He'll only be up for 12 hour spans, having a full day from 8 to 8 or something like that.

After establishing this foundation of feeding and lying down for naps in a consistent atmosphere with blankie, low light, and lying down, i'll remove the association of feeding/sleeping. A sleep-consultant said "the day should be e.a.s.y. Eat, Awake, Sleep, You-time. (The you-time was obviously just added for acronym convenience :) eating and sleeping should only be associated for the night rest, where the evening feed precedes sleep-time.

Tomorrow i will keep a log of his sleepy-cues (red eyes/eyebrows, rubbing, yawning, tired cooing sounds...) and write down when he woke, and how many hours before the first sleepy cues. i am to put him in a nap-atmosphere before the sleepy cues arise so he can naturally fall asleep without the stress-hormone Cortisol arising, at which point rocking/driving/nursing/walking becomes necessary, and the quality of sleep is compromised.

I'll begin implementation with getting good naps during the day. Sleep begets sleep, so if he's getting good, consistent naps, he'll rest well at night as well.


Most importantly, however, I am not going to push myself and him to do anything we are not ready for. After hearing a bunch of information, i thought, "great, we're gonna put you down for a nap because I know you're tired." I put him down and he began to cry. The sleep-training advice suggested leaving him and checking in with him consistently at 3 minutes, 5 minutes, and then 10-10-10-10 minute intervals, so he knows you're consistently coming back, but also not interrupting his natural desire to want to be napping. This, i think, is called 'extinction.' and is actually sort of extreme, but I jumped right in without thinking. I paced outside the room thinking "i can't handle this." I stared at the clock. Not even a minute passed, and I went inside. I didn't pick him up immediately, but i tried singing to him, bouncing his bouncer... It escalated. I kept trying. He coughed and out of stress, vomited. Choking, i picked him up putting his head below his feet so he can vomit cleanly. I cried with him, feeling like an asshole. When he was better and on my chest, I apologized to him, and he pulsed "Am i too much for you!?!? I thought i was okay!" and i again, feeling like an asshole, pulsed to him, "Of course not!! I'm so sorry... You can feed and sleep for now and we'll switch over more gently."

Sometimes i can be a real tough-love momma, but he reminds me to be gentle.

When I picked up the blanket he was sleeping with, i realized the first piece of advice to implement would be to establish a relationship with a blanket... Not jump into sleep-training. Duh.

Oh well, he's now sleeping right beside me, his arms touching my arm as i type this out.

A website on attachment parenting says about sleep to not expect to get a full nights rest, to be there for him whenever he asks, and to understand that this stage of infancy is temporary and they will grow up to be independent adults soon enough... "unreasonable expectation" and "life is different now. Put the comfort of your baby before your own." But my new desire for a full nights sleep has come from my understanding that WHICHEVER way i do it, whatever advice i take, he will grow up to be an independent, well-adjusted adult (so long as i don't mess it up by coddling him too much.)

Anyway, if you are researching ways to get your child to sleep through the night and stumbled upon this blog, the above pointers may help. If your baby is between 12 and 15 pounds, 12 weeks adjusted, they are absolutely capable of sleeping through the night if you do the things that allow them to do so.

Other things to note are these:

When you are rocking/driving/nursing your baby to sleep, you are only relaxing the cortisol and as soon as you stop, the baby will most likely be up again, still upset and awake. Catch the baby before she shows signs of tiredness and put her in an established sleep environment (spa-settings, 80% to pitch darkness, warmish temperature, soothing sounds, blankie friend.)

Also to note is that babies have a 3 day habit memory... so if you think you've established a habit or routine, it only takes 3 days to get used to a different routine or habit.

Sleeping on-the-go is referred to by a sleep-researcher as 'junk sleep' and is not regenerative sleep. Sleep begets sleep. Wakefulness begets wakefulness. If your baby misses naptime during the day, you can subtract that time from the amount of time he'll be sleeping at night.

How can you know if he's fed enough? Babies can wait 4 hours between feedings. 5 meals during the day, with solid foods being given after milk earlier in the day.

Co-sleeping might make sleeping through the night more difficult because they can smell it and see it, but i'm going to give it a try because i'm not about to buy a crib because i'm still in the process of moving around and traveling a bit.

Well, thats my first post. I've been wanting to start a blog on this experience. Lets see what i am inspired to write about next.