This topic may be where i am the most unconventional, but by the end of this post, hopefully i'll be able to present my case in such a way that you'll think its perfectly reasonable, and could be a new convention sometime in the near future.
Today, the vast majority of people, whether rich or poor, will have a baby and within a few months return to work, leaving their babies at daycare for most of the day. The child will stay in daycare until age 3, at which point they'll enter pre-school, where they learn shapes, numbers, the alphabet, colors, sing some songs, and spend the most productive part of their day running around the playground, but will be called in for more classroom time. At age 5 they enter school and begin to learn spelling, reading, addition, subtraction, natural science, and social studies or historical stories, mostly falsely patriotic or heroic or in some way misleading. The children sit in rows indoors, and listen to their teacher. As the years progress, the teachers teach increasingly complicated intellectual matters that sometimes they themselves have to review out of a textbook.
My understanding of child development is that the first five years are most significant for building the foundation off of which they learn. Children imitate their parents and people in their surroundings, so its important to be really conscientious about whose care your putting your baby under. They will definitely absorb that energy in some way and considering the possibilities of People in General, that can be a terrifying prospect!
Anyway, fear aside, here is my alternative approach to educating children in the first formative years. Since their brains are growing and they are sucking up knowledge like a sponge, it is easy to teach reading to a pre-5 year old child while they are still learning to speak. Speaking and reading can go hand in hand and need not be separated! There's a video called 'your baby can read' and i'm formulating a video myself that isn't as random and jumpy as that tutorial, but the basic idea can be applied to every day life, since written language is everywhere. The only problem with reading Everything is that a Camera might become Canon and a computer might become Macbook.... But that can be remedied with tape and a marker.
Before the age of 3, which is when they can be expected to be able to verbally express themselves sufficiently, they are completely musical, tonal, and energetic. If the caregiver is conscious of this tidbit, that musical start will blossom into further creativity later. After 3 until maybe 5 or 7, the child becomes very materially oriented, and sculpting and taking things apart and putting them back together will help them become empowered project-finishers, unlike myself, who was intellectually stimulated and materially deprived (!!) After that, the child wants to participate more in the adult world and is beginning to want to be welcomed into the adult world. They also begin to question the authority that they naturally imitated earlier, and now need more substantial evidence of the caregivers competence. If the caregiver is unworthy of their respect and imitation, this will most certainly lead to problems in the teens, but if the caregiver is worthy of respect and imitation, the child will be inspired to follow and reenlist their trust in the elder.
What does all this child development shit mean for education?
Well, since its not compatible with public school systems, it makes things very complicated for me if i want to do what i 'know' is best. Maybe i'll have to start a home-schooling group or a cooperative school and create a lesson plan revolving around sculpting, music, movement, and exploration of the natural world. My son is 15 months old. in 9 months he'll be nursery-aged, and in a year and 9 months he'll be pre-school age... can i get my shit together?
I think if my son gets through the first 7 years unscathed from the ordinary way of doing things, i may be able to put him in public school after that. I think it can be valuable in itself to simply be in that system, to compare and contrast it with his previous way of existence. That way, as he grows into adolescence, he'll be able to say what he thinks of the system and if he'd like to choose another method of school for middle or high school. Middle school can probably be completely avoided. Maybe i'll go out on a long roadtrip for two years during those years.
Who liked middle school, anyway? A roadtrip seems in order, with lots of unsheltering and experiencing the world, and growing into adulthood and maturity and understanding of the universe in all its abstract and concrete forms. Oooo that will be an exciting time!!!
And high school? Oh gosh... Besides the intense socialization that most people encounter, of being in such close proximity with so many people their own age and getting involved in meaningless, existentially questionable dramas, i think high school and clumping all those teens together like that is detrimental to their sense of belonging to society. High school creates its own mini-society with practically no relation to elders or youngers unless as an extracurricular volunteer activity. This may be a really great time to live in some form of community of all ages and really experiencing the different seasons.
Did i just plan out my sons life? It looks like i did. But plans get knocked off course by various effects and i'm open to that.
This was a really long post, and my initial intention of convincing the reader of my reasonable point of view went missing along the way of my fantasizing of the ultimate life-span for my growing teen. But maybe the point came across somehow... I need to test this on someone. Reader?
Sunday 13 November 2011
Wednesday 17 August 2011
the mother i thought i'd be
A few days ago a girl asked me if i was the mother i thought i'd be. I couldn't answer. I suppose, in general, i am. I am mostly present, let nature do its thing without intervening much, and am creative about how we communicate.
But to answer that question is difficult because mostly i couldn't have accounted for all the decisions i had to make, or all the situations i had to think through. I've been thinking about how to parent since i was a little girl, and many of the situations i've imagined still lie ahead. But certainly i could never imagine all the things that are to happen and how i'd respond!
And i have much to learn about psychology and emotional development and social interactions.
But to answer that question is difficult because mostly i couldn't have accounted for all the decisions i had to make, or all the situations i had to think through. I've been thinking about how to parent since i was a little girl, and many of the situations i've imagined still lie ahead. But certainly i could never imagine all the things that are to happen and how i'd respond!
And i have much to learn about psychology and emotional development and social interactions.
Sunday 24 July 2011
I have daydreamed about sustainable harmonious living since I was a child dreaming of green pastures. As I aged it began to take on new meanings. I often though about dropping put of civilization somehow, somewhere, but the idea only had partial appeal and left me wanting. At times, sustainability came to mean cutting back on meat, partially or altogether. It also came to mean Not buying a car and taking public transportation even though it takes twice as long and requires bus And metro.
But sustainability surprisingly even came to mean living with my parents! The choice was between finding roommates in berkeley, receiving welfare until I was ready to separate from my newly born to go to school or get paid conventionally... Or move out of the bay area to the suburbs of dc and live with my folks in their new oversized home and have the freedom to do what I love (gardening) and be with my babe in his first years. Sustainable, because living with family and sharing resources naturally (without spreadsheets or post-it notes) is more conscious than pushing through the other choice. But living with parents after five years of freedom and distance was daunting. Its easy to say our problems are most deeply rooted in our issues with our parents. A yogi also said "if you think you are enlightened go spend a week with your parents." so living with them?!
Sustainability inadvertently came to also mean working through old issues. For the last hundred hears, families have gotten smaller, more nuclear, more dispersed globally, and individuals tend to live removed from the older generations, isolated in a city hub of peers who have also left their families elsewhere. I am not saying that is the Wrong Choice. People don't always think about sustainability, and even so, it's possible to be relatively sustainably conscious. In fact, I think the city structure has great potential for sustainability. But my point was going towards how in the last century the structure of life ha changes dramatically from a system that was in place doe thousands of years. I don't know why, exactly... Maybe it's because the need was gone (and now for my personal situation it reappeared to grant me this perspective).
Ok my initial Point is a no-go. There are millions of people, and each situation calls for a best solution, and I was trying to come up with a generalizeble theory on sustainability and connecting it to family affairs.
But what I can say for certain is that, in terms of sustainability, community is paramount, whether it's a community of three or hundreds, whether it's a household, a commune, a neighborhood, or a city. The individuation of civilization has been a step away from harmonious sustainability. The cooperative mentality is paramount to sustainability, above competition. Drive for improvement must not disappear but competition against individuals could be left out of it, in place of cooperative co creation.
What does this have to do with unconventional mothering? No idea. Co op nurseries? Just a general mindset I guess.
I just felt like writing. My son is smiling in his sleep. Very sweet.
But sustainability surprisingly even came to mean living with my parents! The choice was between finding roommates in berkeley, receiving welfare until I was ready to separate from my newly born to go to school or get paid conventionally... Or move out of the bay area to the suburbs of dc and live with my folks in their new oversized home and have the freedom to do what I love (gardening) and be with my babe in his first years. Sustainable, because living with family and sharing resources naturally (without spreadsheets or post-it notes) is more conscious than pushing through the other choice. But living with parents after five years of freedom and distance was daunting. Its easy to say our problems are most deeply rooted in our issues with our parents. A yogi also said "if you think you are enlightened go spend a week with your parents." so living with them?!
Sustainability inadvertently came to also mean working through old issues. For the last hundred hears, families have gotten smaller, more nuclear, more dispersed globally, and individuals tend to live removed from the older generations, isolated in a city hub of peers who have also left their families elsewhere. I am not saying that is the Wrong Choice. People don't always think about sustainability, and even so, it's possible to be relatively sustainably conscious. In fact, I think the city structure has great potential for sustainability. But my point was going towards how in the last century the structure of life ha changes dramatically from a system that was in place doe thousands of years. I don't know why, exactly... Maybe it's because the need was gone (and now for my personal situation it reappeared to grant me this perspective).
Ok my initial Point is a no-go. There are millions of people, and each situation calls for a best solution, and I was trying to come up with a generalizeble theory on sustainability and connecting it to family affairs.
But what I can say for certain is that, in terms of sustainability, community is paramount, whether it's a community of three or hundreds, whether it's a household, a commune, a neighborhood, or a city. The individuation of civilization has been a step away from harmonious sustainability. The cooperative mentality is paramount to sustainability, above competition. Drive for improvement must not disappear but competition against individuals could be left out of it, in place of cooperative co creation.
What does this have to do with unconventional mothering? No idea. Co op nurseries? Just a general mindset I guess.
I just felt like writing. My son is smiling in his sleep. Very sweet.
Wednesday 6 July 2011
men are sons, too
since having a son, my relationship with men has changed dramatically. I accept my child for who he is, completely. And this compassion has extended to all other men. With women it comes more naturally. i don't expect perfection from them. but with men i had a tendency to shun their weakness and expect more of them, and it wasn't really... fair.
now i can be a loving, nurturing presence for men in my life without judging them negatively and unfairly for the inevitable character traits that could be deemed as imperfections. but on a certain level, i can see that everyone is perfect as is, all is well as is.
self acceptance and acceptance of others go hand-in-hand. the more we forgive ourselves the more we accept others, and vice versa... the more we accept others, the more we forgive ourselves and are freed from any sort of guilt or lack of feeling worthy of anything...
now i can be a loving, nurturing presence for men in my life without judging them negatively and unfairly for the inevitable character traits that could be deemed as imperfections. but on a certain level, i can see that everyone is perfect as is, all is well as is.
self acceptance and acceptance of others go hand-in-hand. the more we forgive ourselves the more we accept others, and vice versa... the more we accept others, the more we forgive ourselves and are freed from any sort of guilt or lack of feeling worthy of anything...
Monday 20 June 2011
Time out
Today in the playground a nanny gave a twin a time out. She counted to three, and he backed off right after, testing her resolve. It was strong, she pulled him off the gym and held him in a hug for a one minute time out while he cried and screamed and she explained what was going on.
I'm sure he'll grow up to be fine and untraumatized by the event, but i disagree with time-out. Its an unnatural consequence.
I have noticed parents and babysitters and caregivers exercising power over children in subtle ways. "no" and currently i am seeing it arise within myself as my 'toddler' (officially, soon) explores the space around him, in public, freely. I find creative ways to distract him from the "no" situation, until we can go through the process of Reason together.
I like to think of mother-dogs, or wolves, how they raise their young. They generally allow their pups to play together, no matter how rough it is, and the pups work it out naturally amongst themselves. The mother pup will correct aberrant behavior with a quick, easy growl or a nip in the butt, and that will be that. There's certainly no "time out" or lengthy explanations of reasoning, and the pups grow up fine.
I know humans are more complex than dogs, but... is a 3 year old? hehe but seriously... When does reason really kick in? And what sort of reason can you honestly give for 'time out?'
One negative potential side effect of time-out is a distaste for authority figures. It seems to me that this is the first case of authrotiy ruling over the less capable, smaller humans. She literally pulled him off the gym, as he grabbed on to the bars, and against his will was taken away. Like i said, he'll probably grow up to be fine, but i love to 'over'analyze and be an optimal mother down to the most subtle aspects of it all.
I only get one chance at raising this little one, and i hate to call him the 'first trial experiment" like so many first children have jokingly been called.
but thats another story for another day.
I'm sure he'll grow up to be fine and untraumatized by the event, but i disagree with time-out. Its an unnatural consequence.
I have noticed parents and babysitters and caregivers exercising power over children in subtle ways. "no" and currently i am seeing it arise within myself as my 'toddler' (officially, soon) explores the space around him, in public, freely. I find creative ways to distract him from the "no" situation, until we can go through the process of Reason together.
I like to think of mother-dogs, or wolves, how they raise their young. They generally allow their pups to play together, no matter how rough it is, and the pups work it out naturally amongst themselves. The mother pup will correct aberrant behavior with a quick, easy growl or a nip in the butt, and that will be that. There's certainly no "time out" or lengthy explanations of reasoning, and the pups grow up fine.
I know humans are more complex than dogs, but... is a 3 year old? hehe but seriously... When does reason really kick in? And what sort of reason can you honestly give for 'time out?'
One negative potential side effect of time-out is a distaste for authority figures. It seems to me that this is the first case of authrotiy ruling over the less capable, smaller humans. She literally pulled him off the gym, as he grabbed on to the bars, and against his will was taken away. Like i said, he'll probably grow up to be fine, but i love to 'over'analyze and be an optimal mother down to the most subtle aspects of it all.
I only get one chance at raising this little one, and i hate to call him the 'first trial experiment" like so many first children have jokingly been called.
but thats another story for another day.
Presence... fluctuations... re-connecting.
Oh dear, i have always heard 'children make you present' and aint it the truth!? But now, my son is almost a year old, which means he's trying to walk. He has evolved from a blob into a vegetable into a rehabilitating old man learning to walk. Talk about presence! He's learning to talk and communicate, too, so there's an extra interaction that i'm being tuned into.
I think this is about the age ("toddler") where most parents start getting stressed. I got stressed a few days ago (and was tapping on my issues) and fears around chasing a toddler around, teaching him boundaries while allowing him freedom. He was crawling around whole foods and i found myself unsure of what was socially acceptable. ("out of control!")
But since then, I've also evolved and... the difficult part is really to re-connect over and over again. We're together LITERALLY 24/7!! Sometimes i leave him to go to the bathroom or to do my own thing while he does his own thing, but we're still together. And when that happens in any relationship, its of utmost importance to really laugh and cry together when the need arises!
He's been frustrated, hitting his head on various objects and clamping his fingers in various drawers, and just in general, not being able to fully move and communicate as he feels he needs to. So i find myself balancing between "ignoring" him, or rather, not responding wholly to his vocalizations, and then responding and getting it out. I mean, i can't ACTUALLY be eye-to-eye with him 24/7. Its impossible and i would go nuts and lose touch with the adult world (which is boring and largely un-magical, but nevertheless important ground to keep my feet on.)
Some connections are deeper than others and depend entirely upon my own ability. Sure, sometimes when i'm wanting to connect in a certain way, he's more interested in something else, but I'd say that i'm distracted by tiredness or 'needing to do something' more than he's distracted by fascinating objects.
Some moments are truly profound communicative moments, beyond superficialities, really deeply emotional and wise to the core. Other times, its a physical connection, a massage, or a healing touch received from the child on my sore back or a belly massage making up for the 9 months of expansion and resettlements. Sometimes its a kiss, or a bite on the nose, or a face-to-face wet connection that comes about so organically it is easy to see how kissing really evolved.
Well... i don't know what the point of this post was, but there it is.
I think this is about the age ("toddler") where most parents start getting stressed. I got stressed a few days ago (and was tapping on my issues) and fears around chasing a toddler around, teaching him boundaries while allowing him freedom. He was crawling around whole foods and i found myself unsure of what was socially acceptable. ("out of control!")
But since then, I've also evolved and... the difficult part is really to re-connect over and over again. We're together LITERALLY 24/7!! Sometimes i leave him to go to the bathroom or to do my own thing while he does his own thing, but we're still together. And when that happens in any relationship, its of utmost importance to really laugh and cry together when the need arises!
He's been frustrated, hitting his head on various objects and clamping his fingers in various drawers, and just in general, not being able to fully move and communicate as he feels he needs to. So i find myself balancing between "ignoring" him, or rather, not responding wholly to his vocalizations, and then responding and getting it out. I mean, i can't ACTUALLY be eye-to-eye with him 24/7. Its impossible and i would go nuts and lose touch with the adult world (which is boring and largely un-magical, but nevertheless important ground to keep my feet on.)
Some connections are deeper than others and depend entirely upon my own ability. Sure, sometimes when i'm wanting to connect in a certain way, he's more interested in something else, but I'd say that i'm distracted by tiredness or 'needing to do something' more than he's distracted by fascinating objects.
Some moments are truly profound communicative moments, beyond superficialities, really deeply emotional and wise to the core. Other times, its a physical connection, a massage, or a healing touch received from the child on my sore back or a belly massage making up for the 9 months of expansion and resettlements. Sometimes its a kiss, or a bite on the nose, or a face-to-face wet connection that comes about so organically it is easy to see how kissing really evolved.
Well... i don't know what the point of this post was, but there it is.
Monday 9 May 2011
poop and acupuncture
Yeap, i'm writing about poop. *sigh*
It was some time ago that i googled pooping, constipation, and baby, to see if i should expect regular bowel movements. The consensus was to 'not worry about it.' So i didn't. But a little later i thought about it more intuitively, and realized that I prefer a regular poop and know i am in balance when i'm regularly pooping. So why should it be different for a new person? Ah~ another case of my health standard being diminished for a pre-verbal human! shame on me.
So last night i pressed my fingers around his belly button, in meridian points that are effective for relieving constipation. This morning he gave a good, healthy, cathartic poop.
This is on my list of 'things i could/should be doing.' Preventive care is like that. You forget to do it until something is out of balance.
It was some time ago that i googled pooping, constipation, and baby, to see if i should expect regular bowel movements. The consensus was to 'not worry about it.' So i didn't. But a little later i thought about it more intuitively, and realized that I prefer a regular poop and know i am in balance when i'm regularly pooping. So why should it be different for a new person? Ah~ another case of my health standard being diminished for a pre-verbal human! shame on me.
So last night i pressed my fingers around his belly button, in meridian points that are effective for relieving constipation. This morning he gave a good, healthy, cathartic poop.
This is on my list of 'things i could/should be doing.' Preventive care is like that. You forget to do it until something is out of balance.
Unwanted projections upon my baby
I have no control over what associations others have with my child. For example, strangers have often said he is 'serious' when he won't smile at them, an attribution to his character and personality that hasn't actually formed yet, being put there My mom has said "oh its the first time in a while (sashiburi) that he is in a good mood!" which is not only untrue, but creates a story that he is a bad tempered baby.
My mothers case is one of her remembering what she wants to remember. The strangers case is a case of trying to feel better for not receiving a smile from a baby. Both create a story about a child who has no way of defending himself or the way he is perceived (yet).
I just hope that as he grows up, these projections won't become self fulfilling prophecies.
Like i said, i have no control over what associations people will come up with. Is there anything i can do to protect him from unwanted prophecies? I can counteract it by saying what i see. Building awareness in other people doesn't work because it just makes me seem defensive ("it is STANDARD for him to be in good humor! Its his default setting.") But i do see merit in counteracting the negative prophecies with positive characteristics.
On the second day of his birth, my doula asked me 'whats he like'? And i had no idea. Now 9 months later, i have a vague idea, but when i think of the solidity of a childs personality, i still really have no idea. Maybe when he's a child, i'll have no idea based on the difference from child to adulthood, what he'll be like as an adult. I think this unknowingness is a good thing, keeping me open to variation and not getting stuck in what i 'think' he's like. I know what he's like rihgt now. He's curious and occupying himslef with objects from my bag of baby toiletries and miscellaneous items. But what more can i know than what he is showing me at this very moment? All else is memory, and memory can fail, as shown by the example of my mothers memory of his moods.
Once again, a reminder to be present... now he's banging my deodarant together with his thermometer and laughing excitedly. And now he's twisting the deo-bottle from side to side, presumably exploring the weight discrepancy from the top and the bottom... but maybe just exercising his wrist. who knows.
My mothers case is one of her remembering what she wants to remember. The strangers case is a case of trying to feel better for not receiving a smile from a baby. Both create a story about a child who has no way of defending himself or the way he is perceived (yet).
I just hope that as he grows up, these projections won't become self fulfilling prophecies.
Like i said, i have no control over what associations people will come up with. Is there anything i can do to protect him from unwanted prophecies? I can counteract it by saying what i see. Building awareness in other people doesn't work because it just makes me seem defensive ("it is STANDARD for him to be in good humor! Its his default setting.") But i do see merit in counteracting the negative prophecies with positive characteristics.
On the second day of his birth, my doula asked me 'whats he like'? And i had no idea. Now 9 months later, i have a vague idea, but when i think of the solidity of a childs personality, i still really have no idea. Maybe when he's a child, i'll have no idea based on the difference from child to adulthood, what he'll be like as an adult. I think this unknowingness is a good thing, keeping me open to variation and not getting stuck in what i 'think' he's like. I know what he's like rihgt now. He's curious and occupying himslef with objects from my bag of baby toiletries and miscellaneous items. But what more can i know than what he is showing me at this very moment? All else is memory, and memory can fail, as shown by the example of my mothers memory of his moods.
Once again, a reminder to be present... now he's banging my deodarant together with his thermometer and laughing excitedly. And now he's twisting the deo-bottle from side to side, presumably exploring the weight discrepancy from the top and the bottom... but maybe just exercising his wrist. who knows.
Sunday 1 May 2011
Reiki and Nursing
Crying baby. Tired baby. Angry baby. Why won't you listen, he yells. I'm tired! I've been tired for hours!!!!
I feel guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness, guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness. guilt, sorry, forgiveness, gratitude. Tired.
His head on my bicep, his neck in my pit, he's suckling, and the channels tingle. My hand palm faces upwards, and the opposite nipple covered by the center of my palm, the energy, the life-force, the Chi, the prana, the Ki, the Qi, that essential thing flows through...
Now, in a sort of post-coital quiet, the still after the storm of sounds, our temperatures have evened out, but now a little flushed. now, reflecting on the profound guilt followed by a deep release... taking in all the garbage i can on my body, carrying it over to the compost pile, and then releasing it, over and over can be exhausting, but quicker and quicker every time.
******
In other news, yesterday i met a wise, radiant child of 13 years. A problem i see with/for mothers, a challenge, is that they are exhausted of their resources of love and presence due to an imbalance somewhere in the system. Depleted, and then unable to be fully present, completely seeing their child for the miraculous amazing beauty they are, all the time. If we mothers could master that, the future generations will be saved!! Its a tall order, i know, because its still a lot of work. But i have faith that once the ball gets rolling, its a lot of fun and we won't ever want to go back!!! No more distractions, frustrations, grievances, compulsions, obsessions, delusions, illusions keeping us out of the present moment, but pure story, and pure, non-symbolic, limitless possibility, creatively loving and completely loving... in a space of love... everything is brigher.
The work it requires is to remove the barriers within us to love. Sounds like a "quote" -By Someone, and thus, much easier said than done.
Then, repeating, over and over, going back to the source, and re-wiring our process into a new reality... Its so difficult!!! But i'm keeping the faith that its possible, because now that i've seen it i can't possibly give up! The prize is just too good.
The good news is, or The thing that is to take the pressure off, is that the kids will be okay.
Anyway, keep a light heart.
May you Be in a space of love.
Always
I feel guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness, guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness. guilt, sorry, forgiveness, gratitude. Tired.
His head on my bicep, his neck in my pit, he's suckling, and the channels tingle. My hand palm faces upwards, and the opposite nipple covered by the center of my palm, the energy, the life-force, the Chi, the prana, the Ki, the Qi, that essential thing flows through...
Now, in a sort of post-coital quiet, the still after the storm of sounds, our temperatures have evened out, but now a little flushed. now, reflecting on the profound guilt followed by a deep release... taking in all the garbage i can on my body, carrying it over to the compost pile, and then releasing it, over and over can be exhausting, but quicker and quicker every time.
******
In other news, yesterday i met a wise, radiant child of 13 years. A problem i see with/for mothers, a challenge, is that they are exhausted of their resources of love and presence due to an imbalance somewhere in the system. Depleted, and then unable to be fully present, completely seeing their child for the miraculous amazing beauty they are, all the time. If we mothers could master that, the future generations will be saved!! Its a tall order, i know, because its still a lot of work. But i have faith that once the ball gets rolling, its a lot of fun and we won't ever want to go back!!! No more distractions, frustrations, grievances, compulsions, obsessions, delusions, illusions keeping us out of the present moment, but pure story, and pure, non-symbolic, limitless possibility, creatively loving and completely loving... in a space of love... everything is brigher.
The work it requires is to remove the barriers within us to love. Sounds like a "quote" -By Someone, and thus, much easier said than done.
Then, repeating, over and over, going back to the source, and re-wiring our process into a new reality... Its so difficult!!! But i'm keeping the faith that its possible, because now that i've seen it i can't possibly give up! The prize is just too good.
The good news is, or The thing that is to take the pressure off, is that the kids will be okay.
Anyway, keep a light heart.
May you Be in a space of love.
Always
Tuesday 12 April 2011
i and the father are one
Pregnancy, i and the baby were one. That was easy. My thoughts and emotions, my food, all was directly connected to the flesh of the baby. After birth, we were still one flesh. Though the umbilical was cut, his flesh was still of my flesh, and his further nourishment was still of my flesh via breastmilk. 9 months later, he is beginning to stand, crawl, laugh for reasons i do not know, but we are still one. When i look in his eyes, i see something much more than respect, friendship, and love. There is something beyond human looking out from behind his once blue, once grey, now brown eyes. The awareness that looks back at me is familiar. It is a mirror. I see myself.
It is easy now because he does not yet speak. The obsessions of adults to get him to smile and laugh, the manic "HiiiI!'s that are unnatural and treats him with an air of separation, well those behaviors and perspectives are contagious unless i maintain awareness around the matter. I am committed to creating a new relationship, and expanding my relationship perspective that i have gained with my baby to everyone else, to my parents, to my friends, to strangers... to see beyond=humanness looking out from the eyes of 'others' and to see myself in the awareness of their eyes.
We can be so manic with communication, telling stories, provoking reactions, reacting, thinking, planning, judging, manipulating, distracted. I can be so manic interacting with my baby. More stillness. More being presence. I will not fall trap to the obsession!! I will not!
Good night.
It is easy now because he does not yet speak. The obsessions of adults to get him to smile and laugh, the manic "HiiiI!'s that are unnatural and treats him with an air of separation, well those behaviors and perspectives are contagious unless i maintain awareness around the matter. I am committed to creating a new relationship, and expanding my relationship perspective that i have gained with my baby to everyone else, to my parents, to my friends, to strangers... to see beyond=humanness looking out from the eyes of 'others' and to see myself in the awareness of their eyes.
We can be so manic with communication, telling stories, provoking reactions, reacting, thinking, planning, judging, manipulating, distracted. I can be so manic interacting with my baby. More stillness. More being presence. I will not fall trap to the obsession!! I will not!
Good night.
Saturday 2 April 2011
Name thyself, Give me a name
Dear Child,
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
Enlightened children
"Thank you for raising an enlightened child. Our world needs it!" said an elder that i really respect. Oh, i was so flattered! But the past few days have not been harmonious. They haven't been bad, either, but our relationship hadn't been super, due to jetlag and a lack of routine, which is soon to change. I really love routine, and i'm sure my baby does, too.
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
Friday 25 March 2011
Hiking in the jungle
It was one of those moments "Should i really do this?" It was a 3 hour van ride, and a 4 hour motor dugout boat ride. It was the night before and i reasoned "I'd rather do it and regret it, than not do it and not regret it." I had never been in the rainforest! It had always been a nonserious dream of mine! And here was the golden opportunity! Sure, I had a 6 month old and I had no idea what it would be like, but...
So i went.
The three hour car ride was alright. He slept, woke up, didn't like where he was, so he slept some more. Then we played on a beach while we waited for the Surinamers to load the boat. It takes forever, of course, because they're carribbean, but it was good because we got to chill.
Then we got on the boat, it was a dugout with a motor attached, but it was pretty comfortable. I could touch the water from where i sat, and there was enough space between my mother and i wehre i could sit the babe down if he wasn't asleep. But he was tired. So he slept for two hours, maybe more. Then when he woke up he was happy and played .And when we got there, he was so happy!
My mom said it was the tree energy. The guide said i couldn't go hiking with them to the waterfall the next day. She said it was a rough hike... My mom told her i was an athlete, and mentioned i had a baby carrier and wasn't going to be cradling him like i was in the boat. The guide said, ok. But if i need to stop, one of the guys will take me back.
Suffice it to say, i didn't turn back. He was so happy the entire time. He slept peacefully and when eh was awake he was looking up at the trees and laughing when i was singing. When we got to the waterfall, our final destination, the guide was so excited she took our picture. "The youngest hiker!" she proclaimed, and brought white rum to the local chiefs as a sign of respect.
He was happier in the jungle than he was in the apartment in san francisco. Am i projecting? I don't think so. He didn't cry at all, even when we slept outside under a mosquito net on a springy mattress. I'm so happy I went! Otherwise i would have just been hanging out in an apartment in the city, wondering if it would have been okay. And it was!
So i went.
The three hour car ride was alright. He slept, woke up, didn't like where he was, so he slept some more. Then we played on a beach while we waited for the Surinamers to load the boat. It takes forever, of course, because they're carribbean, but it was good because we got to chill.
Then we got on the boat, it was a dugout with a motor attached, but it was pretty comfortable. I could touch the water from where i sat, and there was enough space between my mother and i wehre i could sit the babe down if he wasn't asleep. But he was tired. So he slept for two hours, maybe more. Then when he woke up he was happy and played .And when we got there, he was so happy!
My mom said it was the tree energy. The guide said i couldn't go hiking with them to the waterfall the next day. She said it was a rough hike... My mom told her i was an athlete, and mentioned i had a baby carrier and wasn't going to be cradling him like i was in the boat. The guide said, ok. But if i need to stop, one of the guys will take me back.
Suffice it to say, i didn't turn back. He was so happy the entire time. He slept peacefully and when eh was awake he was looking up at the trees and laughing when i was singing. When we got to the waterfall, our final destination, the guide was so excited she took our picture. "The youngest hiker!" she proclaimed, and brought white rum to the local chiefs as a sign of respect.
He was happier in the jungle than he was in the apartment in san francisco. Am i projecting? I don't think so. He didn't cry at all, even when we slept outside under a mosquito net on a springy mattress. I'm so happy I went! Otherwise i would have just been hanging out in an apartment in the city, wondering if it would have been okay. And it was!
Tuesday 1 February 2011
Rubbing your eyes when you tire
and rub your ears, too.
i learned this from my baby.
It really helps.
*soon after i wrote this i stumbled onto a qi gong video which included some eye rubbing techniques to stimulate meridian points in the eye. i'm not going to post the link because it had racial ridiculosities written in parts of the site... But the technique i've been using ever since is to put my fingers together to make a big point, press them against my eyes gently (depending on how i feel) and then moving my eyes up/down, left/right/ and then criss-crossing them diagonally. These are called the 7 directions, the seventh direction being looking internally :)
He also scratches his forehead, above the eyebrows, and all around the scalp. This makes sense for alleviating tiredness in terms of the meridians, but it will be interesting to see when we stop doing it naturally... He won't because i'll teach him if he forgets :)
i learned this from my baby.
It really helps.
*soon after i wrote this i stumbled onto a qi gong video which included some eye rubbing techniques to stimulate meridian points in the eye. i'm not going to post the link because it had racial ridiculosities written in parts of the site... But the technique i've been using ever since is to put my fingers together to make a big point, press them against my eyes gently (depending on how i feel) and then moving my eyes up/down, left/right/ and then criss-crossing them diagonally. These are called the 7 directions, the seventh direction being looking internally :)
He also scratches his forehead, above the eyebrows, and all around the scalp. This makes sense for alleviating tiredness in terms of the meridians, but it will be interesting to see when we stop doing it naturally... He won't because i'll teach him if he forgets :)
Wednesday 19 January 2011
extended breastfeeding
Of course it will be my family who challenges me the most regarding unconventional ways of babycare, and i must find strength to persist regardless of outside doubt. Someone said something presumptuous about how i would probably be breastfeeding for 'maybe 6 more months?' and i said, yea sure, because it didnt matter what she thought, but after leaving the situation i mentioned how i could see us nursing until he was at least two. I really want to nurse him through his 'terrible two's'.
So i went on youtube and put in 'breastfeeding 8' because my friend had mentioned a funny video she saw of an older child 'must have been like 8 or something' having a fit and the mothers reaction and then the nursing, and i saw a bunch of videos of 7 year olds nursing. Then there was a
Interesting facts that i will keep in mind for future conversations that will undoubtedly come up as i do not wean him at an expected time frame, or as the timeframe nears where i should be weaning him:
Worldwide average is 4 years of age (Yes but thats in developing countries where its convenient and they dont have food!)
Typically, a child will wean himself between 2 and 7 years of age. (but its socially awkward to have a walking, talking child at your breast!)
The health benefits do not stop at a certain age as people sometimes believe.
The reason i'd like to nurse is because its intimate, its nurturing, its comforting, and i do not think that independence will confidently come about by weaning him. I think its a wonderful idea to keep nursing as a tool for when he is inconsolably irritated by an ear infection or some other dis-ease which i can do nothing about. Also mentioned in the video was that the illnesses are less severe and pass quicker. I like that!
Anyway, the social awkwardness will have to be addressed. i hope this doenst bring my mother any grief!
So i went on youtube and put in 'breastfeeding 8' because my friend had mentioned a funny video she saw of an older child 'must have been like 8 or something' having a fit and the mothers reaction and then the nursing, and i saw a bunch of videos of 7 year olds nursing. Then there was a
talkshow called 'the doctors'where they discussed the issue.
Interesting facts that i will keep in mind for future conversations that will undoubtedly come up as i do not wean him at an expected time frame, or as the timeframe nears where i should be weaning him:
Worldwide average is 4 years of age (Yes but thats in developing countries where its convenient and they dont have food!)
Typically, a child will wean himself between 2 and 7 years of age. (but its socially awkward to have a walking, talking child at your breast!)
The health benefits do not stop at a certain age as people sometimes believe.
The reason i'd like to nurse is because its intimate, its nurturing, its comforting, and i do not think that independence will confidently come about by weaning him. I think its a wonderful idea to keep nursing as a tool for when he is inconsolably irritated by an ear infection or some other dis-ease which i can do nothing about. Also mentioned in the video was that the illnesses are less severe and pass quicker. I like that!
Anyway, the social awkwardness will have to be addressed. i hope this doenst bring my mother any grief!
Tuesday 18 January 2011
Excerpt from a book i'm reading...
a part of the Ringing Cedars series, which you can order online through their private publishing company, ringing cedars .com... Anyway, Anastasia, the goddess hero of this book, a woman living in the taiga forest in ridiculously close harmony with nature that makes my soul ache with desire. She has a baby boy by a man who purportedly is writing this book as an account. I'm not sure if i believe it, but at the very least, anastasia exists for me in some form much in the same way jesus does: as a symbol and ideal of perfect harmonious existence which i aspire to, whether or not they are actually perfect as humans...
Anywho, The father and author of this book presents himself as a stubborn defender of the technocratic world, and on his first visit after the birth of their son (the son is already crawling) He brings bay food and a construction set "all the things a baby needs.' This is the second book of the series... no, the third. i skipped the second to get to this one where she talks about her theory of childrearing, or rather, her method.
They hide behind a bush to watch how he wakes and goes about his moments. He's sleeping in the groin of a bear nanny, pees, and then the bear sets him down on the ground, and he poops. the bear licks his bum to clean it, and the boy crawls around plying with bugs and grass. I got a little sad that my baby doesnt have grass and bugs to play with and we've been inside for the last few days in new york surrounded by snow... But you can't win them all, right?
Anyway, as for the excerpt i want to share, its a description of the system of childhood that we experienced as babies if we grew up with most conventional parents, well-meaning as they were they fucked us all up =P
Vladimir Megre, the author and the co-hero of the book (who presents himself as a stubborn defender of the technocratic world) is asking for her 'system' and is frustrated because her method seems to be an 'anti-system' and Anastasia says 'exactly.' Here is what she says:
She asks him to recall memories from childhood and he says thats difficult to do .She replies "Is it not because memory attempts to spare our feelings and excise what is empty and fruitless? It tries to erase any suggestion of hopelessness to rub out what you experienced in your mothers womb when you sensed the world's verbal abuse through the sufferigns of your mother. do you want me to help you recall the other things?" He says she can give it a try...
So, she asks vladimir earlier in the book to not pick him up, and let the baby decide and come to him. I have noticed for my own baby that his body gets manipulated by everyone around him, picked up, set down, rolled over, and i must do a better job at protecting his mastery of his own body and experiences. This morning when i awoke after an evening of reading Ringing Cedars, I stayed in bed with him, because he didnt ask to be picked up yet. And then at firs the just wanted to sit up... My baby cant crawl or even sit by himself so its near impossible to do things that way yet, tho i can take the concept and begin to contemplate it, which at least plants the seed for the future. for now i give him as much control as i can comprehend. we are still two awkward teens learning to dance together.
Anywho, The father and author of this book presents himself as a stubborn defender of the technocratic world, and on his first visit after the birth of their son (the son is already crawling) He brings bay food and a construction set "all the things a baby needs.' This is the second book of the series... no, the third. i skipped the second to get to this one where she talks about her theory of childrearing, or rather, her method.
They hide behind a bush to watch how he wakes and goes about his moments. He's sleeping in the groin of a bear nanny, pees, and then the bear sets him down on the ground, and he poops. the bear licks his bum to clean it, and the boy crawls around plying with bugs and grass. I got a little sad that my baby doesnt have grass and bugs to play with and we've been inside for the last few days in new york surrounded by snow... But you can't win them all, right?
Anyway, as for the excerpt i want to share, its a description of the system of childhood that we experienced as babies if we grew up with most conventional parents, well-meaning as they were they fucked us all up =P
Vladimir Megre, the author and the co-hero of the book (who presents himself as a stubborn defender of the technocratic world) is asking for her 'system' and is frustrated because her method seems to be an 'anti-system' and Anastasia says 'exactly.' Here is what she says:
She asks him to recall memories from childhood and he says thats difficult to do .She replies "Is it not because memory attempts to spare our feelings and excise what is empty and fruitless? It tries to erase any suggestion of hopelessness to rub out what you experienced in your mothers womb when you sensed the world's verbal abuse through the sufferigns of your mother. do you want me to help you recall the other things?" He says she can give it a try...
"You do not wish to remembe how you, the ruler of the Universe, lay all by yourself helpless in your crib. You were so tightly wraped up, it was like being boun in a cocoon, and smiling people decided when you should eat and when you should sleep. You wanted to think everything through for yourself, to make sense of what was going on. But so often they would simply make cooing sounds and toss you up towards the ceiling. But what for? - You never got a chance to think about that. After growing up a little, you began to see a great many things around you that had no voice and no heart. But you were not allowed to touch them. You could touch only those things which people handed you. And you resigned yourself to trying to figure out: where was the perfection in any of the joy-toys you were offered? but there was no way you could haev found, in this absurd primitive object, what had never been there in the first place and never could.
"But still you kept searching, ou did not c ompletely give up - you felt things with your hands, you tried to bite them, but to no avail. You did not find any explanation. That was whenyou first wavered, you who were born to be ruler of your Universe. You decided that you were unable to decide anything for yourself. You were betrayed by those who gave you birth, and you betrayed yourse.f"
"You talk about the events of MY life. Was there anything in which I was different from other kids?" Vladimir asks.
"I am talkig specifically about you. And about those who are listening to me at the moment."
So, she asks vladimir earlier in the book to not pick him up, and let the baby decide and come to him. I have noticed for my own baby that his body gets manipulated by everyone around him, picked up, set down, rolled over, and i must do a better job at protecting his mastery of his own body and experiences. This morning when i awoke after an evening of reading Ringing Cedars, I stayed in bed with him, because he didnt ask to be picked up yet. And then at firs the just wanted to sit up... My baby cant crawl or even sit by himself so its near impossible to do things that way yet, tho i can take the concept and begin to contemplate it, which at least plants the seed for the future. for now i give him as much control as i can comprehend. we are still two awkward teens learning to dance together.
Saturday 8 January 2011
'Let Him Cry.' Express as you feel, baby.
Janet Lansbury captured my attention and interest in her articulate posts and incredibly well organized Blog page :)
I thought i was present with my baby, but damn!! There's always more to cap off.
Upon reading this blog, i started putting my baby down for some time every day with the purpose of letting him explore more. I really have enjoyed watching him play, and he's benefited in the last two days by becoming able to roll onto his stomach, which he's been able to do before, but due to my 'carry him around and let him see my world' philosophy, he hadn't really been given much opportunity! Anyway, I'm not regretting it or anything, I needed to carry him and vice versa. He's now ready to play alone more, so i'm just taking the cues from my environment!
Another thing I was reminded of was that its Really Okay for him to cry. Personally, my family doesnt like me to get angry or depressed. And i understand the sentiment. I don't want my baby to be angry or sad either. But being a baby is frustrating. He can't talk, he gets tired, he can't really move much on his own volition. He can't sit up, he can't stand up, he can't do all the things he dreams of doing. So when he gets tired, he's really cranky. His eyebrows furrow angrily and he babbles. Today he woke up earlier than usual and was more tired than usual. We had a long day yesterday and his naps were too short.
I played with him before naptime, throwing him up in the air and making him laugh, playing peekaboo which he recently started enjoying, and his eyes were so read and tired, but putting him down to rest the usual way was only upsetting him. So after playing with him and feeling certain that it wasn't for lack of connection that he was crying, I set him down in his comfortable sleeping position, with earplugs in my ears. He cried, he cried more, he screamed, and i didnt pick him up, but i lay infront of him, offering him my breast if he wanted it, but him usually just taking a few more sips and then continuing to cry. I was okay with this, and just put my face next to his and watched him cry. He then Opened his Eyes, looked at me, whimpered a little bit, and i said something like 'i know, i understand.' and then he went to sleep.
And he's still asleep, though i haven't moved besides to get my computer.
"Letting" him cry, has often felt dismissive to me, and usually thats what it is. I have left the room, i have ignored him, and it really felt like 'letting' him cry. But watching him cry and being there with him (which i have done before, too, just to clarify) is also "letting" him cry. "Letting" can also be allowing and accepting.
Right on. Write on, janet.
I thought i was present with my baby, but damn!! There's always more to cap off.
Upon reading this blog, i started putting my baby down for some time every day with the purpose of letting him explore more. I really have enjoyed watching him play, and he's benefited in the last two days by becoming able to roll onto his stomach, which he's been able to do before, but due to my 'carry him around and let him see my world' philosophy, he hadn't really been given much opportunity! Anyway, I'm not regretting it or anything, I needed to carry him and vice versa. He's now ready to play alone more, so i'm just taking the cues from my environment!
Another thing I was reminded of was that its Really Okay for him to cry. Personally, my family doesnt like me to get angry or depressed. And i understand the sentiment. I don't want my baby to be angry or sad either. But being a baby is frustrating. He can't talk, he gets tired, he can't really move much on his own volition. He can't sit up, he can't stand up, he can't do all the things he dreams of doing. So when he gets tired, he's really cranky. His eyebrows furrow angrily and he babbles. Today he woke up earlier than usual and was more tired than usual. We had a long day yesterday and his naps were too short.
I played with him before naptime, throwing him up in the air and making him laugh, playing peekaboo which he recently started enjoying, and his eyes were so read and tired, but putting him down to rest the usual way was only upsetting him. So after playing with him and feeling certain that it wasn't for lack of connection that he was crying, I set him down in his comfortable sleeping position, with earplugs in my ears. He cried, he cried more, he screamed, and i didnt pick him up, but i lay infront of him, offering him my breast if he wanted it, but him usually just taking a few more sips and then continuing to cry. I was okay with this, and just put my face next to his and watched him cry. He then Opened his Eyes, looked at me, whimpered a little bit, and i said something like 'i know, i understand.' and then he went to sleep.
And he's still asleep, though i haven't moved besides to get my computer.
"Letting" him cry, has often felt dismissive to me, and usually thats what it is. I have left the room, i have ignored him, and it really felt like 'letting' him cry. But watching him cry and being there with him (which i have done before, too, just to clarify) is also "letting" him cry. "Letting" can also be allowing and accepting.
Right on. Write on, janet.
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