Today in the playground a nanny gave a twin a time out. She counted to three, and he backed off right after, testing her resolve. It was strong, she pulled him off the gym and held him in a hug for a one minute time out while he cried and screamed and she explained what was going on.
I'm sure he'll grow up to be fine and untraumatized by the event, but i disagree with time-out. Its an unnatural consequence.
I have noticed parents and babysitters and caregivers exercising power over children in subtle ways. "no" and currently i am seeing it arise within myself as my 'toddler' (officially, soon) explores the space around him, in public, freely. I find creative ways to distract him from the "no" situation, until we can go through the process of Reason together.
I like to think of mother-dogs, or wolves, how they raise their young. They generally allow their pups to play together, no matter how rough it is, and the pups work it out naturally amongst themselves. The mother pup will correct aberrant behavior with a quick, easy growl or a nip in the butt, and that will be that. There's certainly no "time out" or lengthy explanations of reasoning, and the pups grow up fine.
I know humans are more complex than dogs, but... is a 3 year old? hehe but seriously... When does reason really kick in? And what sort of reason can you honestly give for 'time out?'
One negative potential side effect of time-out is a distaste for authority figures. It seems to me that this is the first case of authrotiy ruling over the less capable, smaller humans. She literally pulled him off the gym, as he grabbed on to the bars, and against his will was taken away. Like i said, he'll probably grow up to be fine, but i love to 'over'analyze and be an optimal mother down to the most subtle aspects of it all.
I only get one chance at raising this little one, and i hate to call him the 'first trial experiment" like so many first children have jokingly been called.
but thats another story for another day.
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When I was growing up, teachers would put kids in time out as well. The main thing that this accomplished was publish humiliation and embarrassment. I think that it taught the kid to not do something because it would result in others making fun of him, rather than the real reason (whatever it may be) they shouldn't have done something. I think it teaches kids to be afraid of consequences rather than the moral of doing something in the first place. Like, and this is an extreme example, don't stab someone because it will land you in jail, rather than don't stab someone because you will hurt that person. So i agree - there has to be a better way to teach a child not to do something.
ReplyDeletei think the best thing you can do as a parent is prepare your child fully for life as an adult, every action you take is essentially building a fully operational, self reliable person that has to live around other people.
ReplyDeleteauthority is an enormous part of life, power is everything in social interaction whether you'd like to admit it or not...eventually the young child cuma young adult cuma parent himself will face an unfavorable power relation and he will need to have some sort of structure in place to cope with it.
as a father i plan to give my child loads of unreasonable no's and don't do that's, punishments and time-outs, yet each one with a logical out. like, for example, say no going out on friday nights but leave the car in the driveway and the door unlocked and the keys on the counter.
i'll be up waiting in the living room when he gets back, furrowed brow and frown on my face, smile in my heart.
my idea is that you have to teach him to break the rules, but before he can break them he must know that they exist.