Day 2 of attempted sleep-training: screw it.

Today i decided "screw whatever the lseep consultant said." She'd hopefully be happy to hear me say that.
I COULD be leaving the room putting him on a feeding schedule, trying ways to get him to fall asleep off the mammaries, trying not to establish a boob-sleep association... I could if i wanted to.

WHy don't I want to? What am i holding onto... I guess MY naps. Its like, when i put him down to sleep and Go, i'm rushing to do dishes, clean, vacuum, sweep, cooking something to eat, eating, drinking, making tea...

So i said screw it. i lay down with him on the sheepskin rugs i got right before he was born with visions of new born photography which never happened as i'd envisioned it... I lay down and behaved like an animal. i took my shirt off, and he fed, and i imagined myself some kind of combination of ape, cow, pig, horse feeding its young. If you want it, you come here. you got a neck, i'm not holding you. i'll lie here and be naked with you. you got everything you need. if you want to sleep, sleep. i'm tired, too, so i'll just chill for a while and accomodate you and talk to you in subtle grunts, whimpers, winnies, and aw's and ew's imitating your noises and assuming that every gesture, every breath, every finger movement is a form of communication, whether you intended for it o rnot. It is I who must learn Your language, little one, because I have already learned more than 3 forms of what we call 'languages.' but i know a little bit of sign, and i feel a lot of empathy and therefore can read what you feel, though you may not use anything close to words.

When hes tarts to yell i say 'i hear you, i hear you, but i don't understamd you.' if i don't, and 'i'm coming, you're so patient.' if i understand.

He really is patient, but i'm afraid the last two days i've made him doubt his attachmenta nds o he's grumpier. Sure, he's teething, but thats no excuse. He could be teething and it can be fun, biting things, playing with things... He's being opened up to the tactile world now, and so even 'teething' days can be good days. great days. wonderful days filled with exploration of the touch and tasting sense. I think as adults we often build a separation between adult and baby... We are both human, but somehow there's this separation.. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ME?? We yell and wave and make faces at the baby. DO YOU SEE ME!??! CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!? But instead I would like to cultivate a 'check this out!' followd with repeating and mirroring what the baby does, so that I may cme to understand him better, rather than trying to obsessively get him to understand me.

After acting like an animal and he was relatively asleep, i rolled into a more comfortable position. my movements made it more difficult ofr him ot suckle but because i was not eager to get away, he was able to adjust to the new information... I wasn't suddenlny gone with a loud rustle and a subtle arising in his awareness. i was still there... though a little further ad more difficut to suckle.

I adjusted to the present. Well, it would be nice to get something to eat, get my computer, type up all these thoughts, and maybe watch a movie...

But its nice to just be on my back, where its not hurting my shoulder to accomodate your feeding habit.

i find out ways i can care for my body given any situation... my wrists are sore, my shoulders hurt, my hips are creaky, my anklse and calves are requestiong new, better shoes (so i ordered some birckenstocks for the first time. paying a lot for shoes isn't something i allow myself to morally do with ease, just like being wasteful with food)

ANYways i'm having trouble taming my monkey mind. A point i wanted to make was this:

This time right now is the foundation upon which i am building my relationship with my child. Leaving the room says to him and to me that I have a cold side to him. Thats not a secure attachment.

I also think, though its a isdenote, that I have seen a lot of moms and pops re-en-acting out behaviors repeated from their own experience. Sometimes its very sad for me, like hearing a mom at the checkout telling her pacified infant "Don't touch that. i TOLD you don't touch that!! *lip smack* you don't LISTEN!"
or "Sit your ass down before i spank you!" or "Sit down and be quiet!" or even in other languages, you can hear their tone and what the gist is of what they're saying.

Ah the colors of san francisco. I'm sure my parents would say "when have you ever heard someone say 'sit yo ass on the seat or i'll spank you.' to tehir 4 year old child, but it was on the bus.

Anywho, point made, i'm gonna watch some tv now, something i really enjoy doing now (i hadn't watched

tv like this

for almost 5 years!