cold mothering, gentle mothering

I had to apologize to my little boy today. He was crying hsyterically as i was 'trying to put him to sleep.'

i was in the same room, and i left, like someone had said, and he cried even louder like he had been abandoned.

i came back and sang with him and it calmed him down, but what he really wanted was comfort and he didn't know why i wasn't giving it to him.

i kept trying, kept at it, kept resisting him.

What drives me to do that? why can't i just be with him?!?!

Finally, with his hands hsaking in terror, I picked him up and apologized over and over and over in japanese (i'm sorry is very different from gomen ne, emotionally...) And i promised him i'll do everything so that he doesn't have to cry.

Babies don't have to cry.

He is such a good baby and here i am, fucking it up, making him cry.

He never cries wtihout reason, and now i'm just creating a conditional attachment, conditional love...

*sigh*

I asked him if he'll forgive me and he laughed. but i felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach and i told him 'i don't know if i can forgive myself."

All the bad thoughts about myself arose, "i'm cold." "i'm spoiling you."
those thoughts are programs/patterns that have come from somewhere in the past,
and i'm ready to let them go.

What would replace it is a gentle mother, not afraid of 'spoiling' a child or creating a dependent child.

A patient, empowering, accommodating, momma.