Oh dear, i have always heard 'children make you present' and aint it the truth!? But now, my son is almost a year old, which means he's trying to walk. He has evolved from a blob into a vegetable into a rehabilitating old man learning to walk. Talk about presence! He's learning to talk and communicate, too, so there's an extra interaction that i'm being tuned into.
I think this is about the age ("toddler") where most parents start getting stressed. I got stressed a few days ago (and was tapping on my issues) and fears around chasing a toddler around, teaching him boundaries while allowing him freedom. He was crawling around whole foods and i found myself unsure of what was socially acceptable. ("out of control!")
But since then, I've also evolved and... the difficult part is really to re-connect over and over again. We're together LITERALLY 24/7!! Sometimes i leave him to go to the bathroom or to do my own thing while he does his own thing, but we're still together. And when that happens in any relationship, its of utmost importance to really laugh and cry together when the need arises!
He's been frustrated, hitting his head on various objects and clamping his fingers in various drawers, and just in general, not being able to fully move and communicate as he feels he needs to. So i find myself balancing between "ignoring" him, or rather, not responding wholly to his vocalizations, and then responding and getting it out. I mean, i can't ACTUALLY be eye-to-eye with him 24/7. Its impossible and i would go nuts and lose touch with the adult world (which is boring and largely un-magical, but nevertheless important ground to keep my feet on.)
Some connections are deeper than others and depend entirely upon my own ability. Sure, sometimes when i'm wanting to connect in a certain way, he's more interested in something else, but I'd say that i'm distracted by tiredness or 'needing to do something' more than he's distracted by fascinating objects.
Some moments are truly profound communicative moments, beyond superficialities, really deeply emotional and wise to the core. Other times, its a physical connection, a massage, or a healing touch received from the child on my sore back or a belly massage making up for the 9 months of expansion and resettlements. Sometimes its a kiss, or a bite on the nose, or a face-to-face wet connection that comes about so organically it is easy to see how kissing really evolved.
Well... i don't know what the point of this post was, but there it is.
Monday, 20 June 2011
Monday, 9 May 2011
poop and acupuncture
Yeap, i'm writing about poop. *sigh*
It was some time ago that i googled pooping, constipation, and baby, to see if i should expect regular bowel movements. The consensus was to 'not worry about it.' So i didn't. But a little later i thought about it more intuitively, and realized that I prefer a regular poop and know i am in balance when i'm regularly pooping. So why should it be different for a new person? Ah~ another case of my health standard being diminished for a pre-verbal human! shame on me.
So last night i pressed my fingers around his belly button, in meridian points that are effective for relieving constipation. This morning he gave a good, healthy, cathartic poop.
This is on my list of 'things i could/should be doing.' Preventive care is like that. You forget to do it until something is out of balance.
It was some time ago that i googled pooping, constipation, and baby, to see if i should expect regular bowel movements. The consensus was to 'not worry about it.' So i didn't. But a little later i thought about it more intuitively, and realized that I prefer a regular poop and know i am in balance when i'm regularly pooping. So why should it be different for a new person? Ah~ another case of my health standard being diminished for a pre-verbal human! shame on me.
So last night i pressed my fingers around his belly button, in meridian points that are effective for relieving constipation. This morning he gave a good, healthy, cathartic poop.
This is on my list of 'things i could/should be doing.' Preventive care is like that. You forget to do it until something is out of balance.
Unwanted projections upon my baby
I have no control over what associations others have with my child. For example, strangers have often said he is 'serious' when he won't smile at them, an attribution to his character and personality that hasn't actually formed yet, being put there My mom has said "oh its the first time in a while (sashiburi) that he is in a good mood!" which is not only untrue, but creates a story that he is a bad tempered baby.
My mothers case is one of her remembering what she wants to remember. The strangers case is a case of trying to feel better for not receiving a smile from a baby. Both create a story about a child who has no way of defending himself or the way he is perceived (yet).
I just hope that as he grows up, these projections won't become self fulfilling prophecies.
Like i said, i have no control over what associations people will come up with. Is there anything i can do to protect him from unwanted prophecies? I can counteract it by saying what i see. Building awareness in other people doesn't work because it just makes me seem defensive ("it is STANDARD for him to be in good humor! Its his default setting.") But i do see merit in counteracting the negative prophecies with positive characteristics.
On the second day of his birth, my doula asked me 'whats he like'? And i had no idea. Now 9 months later, i have a vague idea, but when i think of the solidity of a childs personality, i still really have no idea. Maybe when he's a child, i'll have no idea based on the difference from child to adulthood, what he'll be like as an adult. I think this unknowingness is a good thing, keeping me open to variation and not getting stuck in what i 'think' he's like. I know what he's like rihgt now. He's curious and occupying himslef with objects from my bag of baby toiletries and miscellaneous items. But what more can i know than what he is showing me at this very moment? All else is memory, and memory can fail, as shown by the example of my mothers memory of his moods.
Once again, a reminder to be present... now he's banging my deodarant together with his thermometer and laughing excitedly. And now he's twisting the deo-bottle from side to side, presumably exploring the weight discrepancy from the top and the bottom... but maybe just exercising his wrist. who knows.
My mothers case is one of her remembering what she wants to remember. The strangers case is a case of trying to feel better for not receiving a smile from a baby. Both create a story about a child who has no way of defending himself or the way he is perceived (yet).
I just hope that as he grows up, these projections won't become self fulfilling prophecies.
Like i said, i have no control over what associations people will come up with. Is there anything i can do to protect him from unwanted prophecies? I can counteract it by saying what i see. Building awareness in other people doesn't work because it just makes me seem defensive ("it is STANDARD for him to be in good humor! Its his default setting.") But i do see merit in counteracting the negative prophecies with positive characteristics.
On the second day of his birth, my doula asked me 'whats he like'? And i had no idea. Now 9 months later, i have a vague idea, but when i think of the solidity of a childs personality, i still really have no idea. Maybe when he's a child, i'll have no idea based on the difference from child to adulthood, what he'll be like as an adult. I think this unknowingness is a good thing, keeping me open to variation and not getting stuck in what i 'think' he's like. I know what he's like rihgt now. He's curious and occupying himslef with objects from my bag of baby toiletries and miscellaneous items. But what more can i know than what he is showing me at this very moment? All else is memory, and memory can fail, as shown by the example of my mothers memory of his moods.
Once again, a reminder to be present... now he's banging my deodarant together with his thermometer and laughing excitedly. And now he's twisting the deo-bottle from side to side, presumably exploring the weight discrepancy from the top and the bottom... but maybe just exercising his wrist. who knows.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Reiki and Nursing
Crying baby. Tired baby. Angry baby. Why won't you listen, he yells. I'm tired! I've been tired for hours!!!!
I feel guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness, guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness. guilt, sorry, forgiveness, gratitude. Tired.
His head on my bicep, his neck in my pit, he's suckling, and the channels tingle. My hand palm faces upwards, and the opposite nipple covered by the center of my palm, the energy, the life-force, the Chi, the prana, the Ki, the Qi, that essential thing flows through...
Now, in a sort of post-coital quiet, the still after the storm of sounds, our temperatures have evened out, but now a little flushed. now, reflecting on the profound guilt followed by a deep release... taking in all the garbage i can on my body, carrying it over to the compost pile, and then releasing it, over and over can be exhausting, but quicker and quicker every time.
******
In other news, yesterday i met a wise, radiant child of 13 years. A problem i see with/for mothers, a challenge, is that they are exhausted of their resources of love and presence due to an imbalance somewhere in the system. Depleted, and then unable to be fully present, completely seeing their child for the miraculous amazing beauty they are, all the time. If we mothers could master that, the future generations will be saved!! Its a tall order, i know, because its still a lot of work. But i have faith that once the ball gets rolling, its a lot of fun and we won't ever want to go back!!! No more distractions, frustrations, grievances, compulsions, obsessions, delusions, illusions keeping us out of the present moment, but pure story, and pure, non-symbolic, limitless possibility, creatively loving and completely loving... in a space of love... everything is brigher.
The work it requires is to remove the barriers within us to love. Sounds like a "quote" -By Someone, and thus, much easier said than done.
Then, repeating, over and over, going back to the source, and re-wiring our process into a new reality... Its so difficult!!! But i'm keeping the faith that its possible, because now that i've seen it i can't possibly give up! The prize is just too good.
The good news is, or The thing that is to take the pressure off, is that the kids will be okay.
Anyway, keep a light heart.
May you Be in a space of love.
Always
I feel guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness, guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness. guilt, sorry, forgiveness, gratitude. Tired.
His head on my bicep, his neck in my pit, he's suckling, and the channels tingle. My hand palm faces upwards, and the opposite nipple covered by the center of my palm, the energy, the life-force, the Chi, the prana, the Ki, the Qi, that essential thing flows through...
Now, in a sort of post-coital quiet, the still after the storm of sounds, our temperatures have evened out, but now a little flushed. now, reflecting on the profound guilt followed by a deep release... taking in all the garbage i can on my body, carrying it over to the compost pile, and then releasing it, over and over can be exhausting, but quicker and quicker every time.
******
In other news, yesterday i met a wise, radiant child of 13 years. A problem i see with/for mothers, a challenge, is that they are exhausted of their resources of love and presence due to an imbalance somewhere in the system. Depleted, and then unable to be fully present, completely seeing their child for the miraculous amazing beauty they are, all the time. If we mothers could master that, the future generations will be saved!! Its a tall order, i know, because its still a lot of work. But i have faith that once the ball gets rolling, its a lot of fun and we won't ever want to go back!!! No more distractions, frustrations, grievances, compulsions, obsessions, delusions, illusions keeping us out of the present moment, but pure story, and pure, non-symbolic, limitless possibility, creatively loving and completely loving... in a space of love... everything is brigher.
The work it requires is to remove the barriers within us to love. Sounds like a "quote" -By Someone, and thus, much easier said than done.
Then, repeating, over and over, going back to the source, and re-wiring our process into a new reality... Its so difficult!!! But i'm keeping the faith that its possible, because now that i've seen it i can't possibly give up! The prize is just too good.
The good news is, or The thing that is to take the pressure off, is that the kids will be okay.
Anyway, keep a light heart.
May you Be in a space of love.
Always
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
i and the father are one
Pregnancy, i and the baby were one. That was easy. My thoughts and emotions, my food, all was directly connected to the flesh of the baby. After birth, we were still one flesh. Though the umbilical was cut, his flesh was still of my flesh, and his further nourishment was still of my flesh via breastmilk. 9 months later, he is beginning to stand, crawl, laugh for reasons i do not know, but we are still one. When i look in his eyes, i see something much more than respect, friendship, and love. There is something beyond human looking out from behind his once blue, once grey, now brown eyes. The awareness that looks back at me is familiar. It is a mirror. I see myself.
It is easy now because he does not yet speak. The obsessions of adults to get him to smile and laugh, the manic "HiiiI!'s that are unnatural and treats him with an air of separation, well those behaviors and perspectives are contagious unless i maintain awareness around the matter. I am committed to creating a new relationship, and expanding my relationship perspective that i have gained with my baby to everyone else, to my parents, to my friends, to strangers... to see beyond=humanness looking out from the eyes of 'others' and to see myself in the awareness of their eyes.
We can be so manic with communication, telling stories, provoking reactions, reacting, thinking, planning, judging, manipulating, distracted. I can be so manic interacting with my baby. More stillness. More being presence. I will not fall trap to the obsession!! I will not!
Good night.
It is easy now because he does not yet speak. The obsessions of adults to get him to smile and laugh, the manic "HiiiI!'s that are unnatural and treats him with an air of separation, well those behaviors and perspectives are contagious unless i maintain awareness around the matter. I am committed to creating a new relationship, and expanding my relationship perspective that i have gained with my baby to everyone else, to my parents, to my friends, to strangers... to see beyond=humanness looking out from the eyes of 'others' and to see myself in the awareness of their eyes.
We can be so manic with communication, telling stories, provoking reactions, reacting, thinking, planning, judging, manipulating, distracted. I can be so manic interacting with my baby. More stillness. More being presence. I will not fall trap to the obsession!! I will not!
Good night.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Name thyself, Give me a name
Dear Child,
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
Enlightened children
"Thank you for raising an enlightened child. Our world needs it!" said an elder that i really respect. Oh, i was so flattered! But the past few days have not been harmonious. They haven't been bad, either, but our relationship hadn't been super, due to jetlag and a lack of routine, which is soon to change. I really love routine, and i'm sure my baby does, too.
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
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