I have no control over what associations others have with my child. For example, strangers have often said he is 'serious' when he won't smile at them, an attribution to his character and personality that hasn't actually formed yet, being put there My mom has said "oh its the first time in a while (sashiburi) that he is in a good mood!" which is not only untrue, but creates a story that he is a bad tempered baby.
My mothers case is one of her remembering what she wants to remember. The strangers case is a case of trying to feel better for not receiving a smile from a baby. Both create a story about a child who has no way of defending himself or the way he is perceived (yet).
I just hope that as he grows up, these projections won't become self fulfilling prophecies.
Like i said, i have no control over what associations people will come up with. Is there anything i can do to protect him from unwanted prophecies? I can counteract it by saying what i see. Building awareness in other people doesn't work because it just makes me seem defensive ("it is STANDARD for him to be in good humor! Its his default setting.") But i do see merit in counteracting the negative prophecies with positive characteristics.
On the second day of his birth, my doula asked me 'whats he like'? And i had no idea. Now 9 months later, i have a vague idea, but when i think of the solidity of a childs personality, i still really have no idea. Maybe when he's a child, i'll have no idea based on the difference from child to adulthood, what he'll be like as an adult. I think this unknowingness is a good thing, keeping me open to variation and not getting stuck in what i 'think' he's like. I know what he's like rihgt now. He's curious and occupying himslef with objects from my bag of baby toiletries and miscellaneous items. But what more can i know than what he is showing me at this very moment? All else is memory, and memory can fail, as shown by the example of my mothers memory of his moods.
Once again, a reminder to be present... now he's banging my deodarant together with his thermometer and laughing excitedly. And now he's twisting the deo-bottle from side to side, presumably exploring the weight discrepancy from the top and the bottom... but maybe just exercising his wrist. who knows.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Reiki and Nursing
Crying baby. Tired baby. Angry baby. Why won't you listen, he yells. I'm tired! I've been tired for hours!!!!
I feel guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness, guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness. guilt, sorry, forgiveness, gratitude. Tired.
His head on my bicep, his neck in my pit, he's suckling, and the channels tingle. My hand palm faces upwards, and the opposite nipple covered by the center of my palm, the energy, the life-force, the Chi, the prana, the Ki, the Qi, that essential thing flows through...
Now, in a sort of post-coital quiet, the still after the storm of sounds, our temperatures have evened out, but now a little flushed. now, reflecting on the profound guilt followed by a deep release... taking in all the garbage i can on my body, carrying it over to the compost pile, and then releasing it, over and over can be exhausting, but quicker and quicker every time.
******
In other news, yesterday i met a wise, radiant child of 13 years. A problem i see with/for mothers, a challenge, is that they are exhausted of their resources of love and presence due to an imbalance somewhere in the system. Depleted, and then unable to be fully present, completely seeing their child for the miraculous amazing beauty they are, all the time. If we mothers could master that, the future generations will be saved!! Its a tall order, i know, because its still a lot of work. But i have faith that once the ball gets rolling, its a lot of fun and we won't ever want to go back!!! No more distractions, frustrations, grievances, compulsions, obsessions, delusions, illusions keeping us out of the present moment, but pure story, and pure, non-symbolic, limitless possibility, creatively loving and completely loving... in a space of love... everything is brigher.
The work it requires is to remove the barriers within us to love. Sounds like a "quote" -By Someone, and thus, much easier said than done.
Then, repeating, over and over, going back to the source, and re-wiring our process into a new reality... Its so difficult!!! But i'm keeping the faith that its possible, because now that i've seen it i can't possibly give up! The prize is just too good.
The good news is, or The thing that is to take the pressure off, is that the kids will be okay.
Anyway, keep a light heart.
May you Be in a space of love.
Always
I feel guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness, guilt, sorry, forgiveness, thankfulness. guilt, sorry, forgiveness, gratitude. Tired.
His head on my bicep, his neck in my pit, he's suckling, and the channels tingle. My hand palm faces upwards, and the opposite nipple covered by the center of my palm, the energy, the life-force, the Chi, the prana, the Ki, the Qi, that essential thing flows through...
Now, in a sort of post-coital quiet, the still after the storm of sounds, our temperatures have evened out, but now a little flushed. now, reflecting on the profound guilt followed by a deep release... taking in all the garbage i can on my body, carrying it over to the compost pile, and then releasing it, over and over can be exhausting, but quicker and quicker every time.
******
In other news, yesterday i met a wise, radiant child of 13 years. A problem i see with/for mothers, a challenge, is that they are exhausted of their resources of love and presence due to an imbalance somewhere in the system. Depleted, and then unable to be fully present, completely seeing their child for the miraculous amazing beauty they are, all the time. If we mothers could master that, the future generations will be saved!! Its a tall order, i know, because its still a lot of work. But i have faith that once the ball gets rolling, its a lot of fun and we won't ever want to go back!!! No more distractions, frustrations, grievances, compulsions, obsessions, delusions, illusions keeping us out of the present moment, but pure story, and pure, non-symbolic, limitless possibility, creatively loving and completely loving... in a space of love... everything is brigher.
The work it requires is to remove the barriers within us to love. Sounds like a "quote" -By Someone, and thus, much easier said than done.
Then, repeating, over and over, going back to the source, and re-wiring our process into a new reality... Its so difficult!!! But i'm keeping the faith that its possible, because now that i've seen it i can't possibly give up! The prize is just too good.
The good news is, or The thing that is to take the pressure off, is that the kids will be okay.
Anyway, keep a light heart.
May you Be in a space of love.
Always
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
i and the father are one
Pregnancy, i and the baby were one. That was easy. My thoughts and emotions, my food, all was directly connected to the flesh of the baby. After birth, we were still one flesh. Though the umbilical was cut, his flesh was still of my flesh, and his further nourishment was still of my flesh via breastmilk. 9 months later, he is beginning to stand, crawl, laugh for reasons i do not know, but we are still one. When i look in his eyes, i see something much more than respect, friendship, and love. There is something beyond human looking out from behind his once blue, once grey, now brown eyes. The awareness that looks back at me is familiar. It is a mirror. I see myself.
It is easy now because he does not yet speak. The obsessions of adults to get him to smile and laugh, the manic "HiiiI!'s that are unnatural and treats him with an air of separation, well those behaviors and perspectives are contagious unless i maintain awareness around the matter. I am committed to creating a new relationship, and expanding my relationship perspective that i have gained with my baby to everyone else, to my parents, to my friends, to strangers... to see beyond=humanness looking out from the eyes of 'others' and to see myself in the awareness of their eyes.
We can be so manic with communication, telling stories, provoking reactions, reacting, thinking, planning, judging, manipulating, distracted. I can be so manic interacting with my baby. More stillness. More being presence. I will not fall trap to the obsession!! I will not!
Good night.
It is easy now because he does not yet speak. The obsessions of adults to get him to smile and laugh, the manic "HiiiI!'s that are unnatural and treats him with an air of separation, well those behaviors and perspectives are contagious unless i maintain awareness around the matter. I am committed to creating a new relationship, and expanding my relationship perspective that i have gained with my baby to everyone else, to my parents, to my friends, to strangers... to see beyond=humanness looking out from the eyes of 'others' and to see myself in the awareness of their eyes.
We can be so manic with communication, telling stories, provoking reactions, reacting, thinking, planning, judging, manipulating, distracted. I can be so manic interacting with my baby. More stillness. More being presence. I will not fall trap to the obsession!! I will not!
Good night.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Name thyself, Give me a name
Dear Child,
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
I have named you with great thought and many hours of contemplation. Names are plentiful in this world, and so is meaning. I have named you with just a few meanings in mind. I considered what I wanted to remember when calling to you. I wanted to remind myself of the gift i received from spirit on october 31st 2010. I couldn't do justice to the experience of angelic communication in just a name. I hoped for a 'pop-in' name, and so it occurred a few nights before your birth, something along the line of "Mateo." Then, thinking of all the greek names whose essence i enjoyed, it morphed into Mattheus, and upon looking up the meaning i was pleased to find it meant "Gift of God" or "From Theos" But that's just your mainstream-society name. Close enough to Matthew, and just a little bit off to be hip. And you are Echo, you are Kosmo, you are Echoing Kosmos. And thus you are named.
But of course, feel free to choose your name, to name yourself. I only had 9 months to think of something, and then after you were born, it still took me a month to finally reach a decision, and i was only able to come to it by saying "fuck it, i'm thinking too much!" So please, name thyself, claim thyself.
And if you could do me a huge favor, please give me a name, too. Since elementary school i have wanted a new name. Not that there's anything wrong with Emmy, but there was so much identitiy loaded ontop of my concept of what it means to be "Emmy" and i can hardly assume that 'momma' would suffice as a new name. So, when the time comes, and something appropriate pops into your name, well, i just can't wait to hear what it is!
Thank you in advance.
Love,
<3
Enlightened children
"Thank you for raising an enlightened child. Our world needs it!" said an elder that i really respect. Oh, i was so flattered! But the past few days have not been harmonious. They haven't been bad, either, but our relationship hadn't been super, due to jetlag and a lack of routine, which is soon to change. I really love routine, and i'm sure my baby does, too.
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
Enlightened children. What does that entail? Surely it can't mean that I am a perfect mother, because that is too much pressure and i crumble under pressure. I wouldn't be able to stop kicking myself in the ass for letting him cry, for being tired when all i want to do is sleep but he wants to stay up for another 2 hours because of the time difference of maryland and california.
Enlightened children. A child living in the light, that's all it is. A lot of parents i have seen pass on the darkness they have inherited. The darkness stops here. I say i buckle under pressure, but i should rephrase... I don't thrive under unreasonable expectations! But the darkness stopping with me is reasonable. By casting light upon the darkness, he can easily transmute any pain that i residually feel. All i have to do is be honest when i feel angry or frustrated, and say 'I feel really angry and frustrated right now. ahhhhH!!!!!!!! *breathe*" and then let him Watch me transform my anger and frustration into relaxation and peace.
I can do that!
I'm a pro at that!!!
And with him being able to see that, as he grows, he'll learn the same skill (bless him.)
Friday, 25 March 2011
Hiking in the jungle
It was one of those moments "Should i really do this?" It was a 3 hour van ride, and a 4 hour motor dugout boat ride. It was the night before and i reasoned "I'd rather do it and regret it, than not do it and not regret it." I had never been in the rainforest! It had always been a nonserious dream of mine! And here was the golden opportunity! Sure, I had a 6 month old and I had no idea what it would be like, but...
So i went.
The three hour car ride was alright. He slept, woke up, didn't like where he was, so he slept some more. Then we played on a beach while we waited for the Surinamers to load the boat. It takes forever, of course, because they're carribbean, but it was good because we got to chill.
Then we got on the boat, it was a dugout with a motor attached, but it was pretty comfortable. I could touch the water from where i sat, and there was enough space between my mother and i wehre i could sit the babe down if he wasn't asleep. But he was tired. So he slept for two hours, maybe more. Then when he woke up he was happy and played .And when we got there, he was so happy!
My mom said it was the tree energy. The guide said i couldn't go hiking with them to the waterfall the next day. She said it was a rough hike... My mom told her i was an athlete, and mentioned i had a baby carrier and wasn't going to be cradling him like i was in the boat. The guide said, ok. But if i need to stop, one of the guys will take me back.
Suffice it to say, i didn't turn back. He was so happy the entire time. He slept peacefully and when eh was awake he was looking up at the trees and laughing when i was singing. When we got to the waterfall, our final destination, the guide was so excited she took our picture. "The youngest hiker!" she proclaimed, and brought white rum to the local chiefs as a sign of respect.
He was happier in the jungle than he was in the apartment in san francisco. Am i projecting? I don't think so. He didn't cry at all, even when we slept outside under a mosquito net on a springy mattress. I'm so happy I went! Otherwise i would have just been hanging out in an apartment in the city, wondering if it would have been okay. And it was!
So i went.
The three hour car ride was alright. He slept, woke up, didn't like where he was, so he slept some more. Then we played on a beach while we waited for the Surinamers to load the boat. It takes forever, of course, because they're carribbean, but it was good because we got to chill.
Then we got on the boat, it was a dugout with a motor attached, but it was pretty comfortable. I could touch the water from where i sat, and there was enough space between my mother and i wehre i could sit the babe down if he wasn't asleep. But he was tired. So he slept for two hours, maybe more. Then when he woke up he was happy and played .And when we got there, he was so happy!
My mom said it was the tree energy. The guide said i couldn't go hiking with them to the waterfall the next day. She said it was a rough hike... My mom told her i was an athlete, and mentioned i had a baby carrier and wasn't going to be cradling him like i was in the boat. The guide said, ok. But if i need to stop, one of the guys will take me back.
Suffice it to say, i didn't turn back. He was so happy the entire time. He slept peacefully and when eh was awake he was looking up at the trees and laughing when i was singing. When we got to the waterfall, our final destination, the guide was so excited she took our picture. "The youngest hiker!" she proclaimed, and brought white rum to the local chiefs as a sign of respect.
He was happier in the jungle than he was in the apartment in san francisco. Am i projecting? I don't think so. He didn't cry at all, even when we slept outside under a mosquito net on a springy mattress. I'm so happy I went! Otherwise i would have just been hanging out in an apartment in the city, wondering if it would have been okay. And it was!
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Rubbing your eyes when you tire
and rub your ears, too.
i learned this from my baby.
It really helps.
*soon after i wrote this i stumbled onto a qi gong video which included some eye rubbing techniques to stimulate meridian points in the eye. i'm not going to post the link because it had racial ridiculosities written in parts of the site... But the technique i've been using ever since is to put my fingers together to make a big point, press them against my eyes gently (depending on how i feel) and then moving my eyes up/down, left/right/ and then criss-crossing them diagonally. These are called the 7 directions, the seventh direction being looking internally :)
He also scratches his forehead, above the eyebrows, and all around the scalp. This makes sense for alleviating tiredness in terms of the meridians, but it will be interesting to see when we stop doing it naturally... He won't because i'll teach him if he forgets :)
i learned this from my baby.
It really helps.
*soon after i wrote this i stumbled onto a qi gong video which included some eye rubbing techniques to stimulate meridian points in the eye. i'm not going to post the link because it had racial ridiculosities written in parts of the site... But the technique i've been using ever since is to put my fingers together to make a big point, press them against my eyes gently (depending on how i feel) and then moving my eyes up/down, left/right/ and then criss-crossing them diagonally. These are called the 7 directions, the seventh direction being looking internally :)
He also scratches his forehead, above the eyebrows, and all around the scalp. This makes sense for alleviating tiredness in terms of the meridians, but it will be interesting to see when we stop doing it naturally... He won't because i'll teach him if he forgets :)
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