Time out

Today in the playground a nanny gave a twin a time out. She counted to three, and he backed off right after, testing her resolve. It was strong, she pulled him off the gym and held him in a hug for a one minute time out while he cried and screamed and she explained what was going on.

I'm sure he'll grow up to be fine and untraumatized by the event, but i disagree with time-out. Its an unnatural consequence.

I have noticed parents and babysitters and caregivers exercising power over children in subtle ways. "no" and currently i am seeing it arise within myself as my 'toddler' (officially, soon) explores the space around him, in public, freely. I find creative ways to distract him from the "no" situation, until we can go through the process of Reason together.

I like to think of mother-dogs, or wolves, how they raise their young. They generally allow their pups to play together, no matter how rough it is, and the pups work it out naturally amongst themselves. The mother pup will correct aberrant behavior with a quick, easy growl or a nip in the butt, and that will be that. There's certainly no "time out" or lengthy explanations of reasoning, and the pups grow up fine.

I know humans are more complex than dogs, but... is a 3 year old? hehe but seriously... When does reason really kick in? And what sort of reason can you honestly give for 'time out?'

One negative potential side effect of time-out is a distaste for authority figures. It seems to me that this is the first case of authrotiy ruling over the less capable, smaller humans. She literally pulled him off the gym, as he grabbed on to the bars, and against his will was taken away. Like i said, he'll probably grow up to be fine, but i love to 'over'analyze and be an optimal mother down to the most subtle aspects of it all.

I only get one chance at raising this little one, and i hate to call him the 'first trial experiment" like so many first children have jokingly been called.

but thats another story for another day.

Presence... fluctuations... re-connecting.

Oh dear, i have always heard 'children make you present' and aint it the truth!? But now, my son is almost a year old, which means he's trying to walk. He has evolved from a blob into a vegetable into a rehabilitating old man learning to walk. Talk about presence! He's learning to talk and communicate, too, so there's an extra interaction that i'm being tuned into.

I think this is about the age ("toddler") where most parents start getting stressed. I got stressed a few days ago (and was tapping on my issues) and fears around chasing a toddler around, teaching him boundaries while allowing him freedom. He was crawling around whole foods and i found myself unsure of what was socially acceptable. ("out of control!")

But since then, I've also evolved and... the difficult part is really to re-connect over and over again. We're together LITERALLY 24/7!! Sometimes i leave him to go to the bathroom or to do my own thing while he does his own thing, but we're still together. And when that happens in any relationship, its of utmost importance to really laugh and cry together when the need arises!

He's been frustrated, hitting his head on various objects and clamping his fingers in various drawers, and just in general, not being able to fully move and communicate as he feels he needs to. So i find myself balancing between "ignoring" him, or rather, not responding wholly to his vocalizations, and then responding and getting it out. I mean, i can't ACTUALLY be eye-to-eye with him 24/7. Its impossible and i would go nuts and lose touch with the adult world (which is boring and largely un-magical, but nevertheless important ground to keep my feet on.)

Some connections are deeper than others and depend entirely upon my own ability. Sure, sometimes when i'm wanting to connect in a certain way, he's more interested in something else, but I'd say that i'm distracted by tiredness or 'needing to do something' more than he's distracted by fascinating objects.

Some moments are truly profound communicative moments, beyond superficialities, really deeply emotional and wise to the core. Other times, its a physical connection, a massage, or a healing touch received from the child on my sore back or a belly massage making up for the 9 months of expansion and resettlements. Sometimes its a kiss, or a bite on the nose, or a face-to-face wet connection that comes about so organically it is easy to see how kissing really evolved.

Well... i don't know what the point of this post was, but there it is.